


Rewind

by Metamorphosis11 (Methamorphosis2011)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Canon up to 15x11, Do-Over, Eventual Human Castiel, Feelings, Getting Together, Happy Ending, In line with the show, M/M, Repressed Dean Winchester, Some Fluff, Some angst, This will probably end up having to be tagged as a Fix It Fic depending on how the show ends, Varying POVs, brief mention of Dean/OFC, temporary mcd, time travel of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:07:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23072185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Methamorphosis2011/pseuds/Metamorphosis11
Summary: “He wanted you to know that he was sorry. Sorry that he never told you that he loved you.”It was delivered in such a short and to the point tone, Castiel had to run it through his brain twice as he stared at Billie. Then his mouth fell open, eyes wide in total disbelief.“He- he said that?”“Yes, and he said it was the only thing he truly regretted. Never telling you.”After being informed about Dean’s death, Castiel was left with a hard choice, accept the hunter’s death or take the offer to go back in time to have a second chance.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 11
Kudos: 101





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, I can't believe it has been over 3 years since I last posted anything. I never abandoned these two just life and writer's block got in the way. I must have started and abandoned a dozen stories during this time. This is why I am so excited that I finally managed to see a story through to the end. This little idea really had me inspired. All chapters are written but later ones still need editing. Right now the story stands at nearly 20000 words.  
> The story itself will most likely be superseded by canon events within a few weeks but I hope you all enjoy it nonetheless.  
> It has not been beta-ed as such all mistakes are my own. If you notice anything glaringly obvious, feel free to point it out to me. Other than that kudos and comments are always appreciated.  
> And in case you haven't noticed in the tags, there is a warning for temporary Major Character Death, but no worse than we have experienced on the show.

10th June 2030

Bright flames lit up the night sky, painting its surroundings with an eerie glow. The fire’s orange-red tips licking hungrily at the dark as if trying to devour it.

Dean would have almost called it beautiful. His eyes tracking the swirls of black smoke interwoven between the red and being driven higher and farther by the night-time breeze. Yet, he seemed immune to the heat. Unable to detect the foul smell he knew was there, that should make him want to cover his nose.

“Mesmerizing, isn’t it?”

Dean’s words were hardly a whisper over the crackling of the fire and the groaning of hot twisting metal as he addressed the all too familiar presence behind him. He had felt it for a few seconds, and he couldn’t help but feel appreciative for the few moments of solitude that he had been granted.

“Yes.” Billie finally moved into his field of vision; eyes trained on the shape of the burning Impala wrapped halfway around a tree.

Dean shook his head ruefully, his eyes roaming over the totaled car. The knowledge that his body was still inside should have turned his stomach but, well… The motorbike that had caused him to swerve head-on into the tree had long gone. Dean felt like he should be angrier, should wish that damn asshole dead instead, but he couldn’t muster the energy.

He turned to face Death, and even after all these years he found it hard to ascribe this title to the former reaper. The woman, no Entity, for all her calm demeanor looked near apologetic.

“This is it, right? The big one. No coming back, no passing Go.”

“Yes, Dean. This is it.”

“A goddamn car crash.” He huffed, shaking his head, eyes focusing back on his Baby. “You _gotta_ be kidding me.”

He was tempted to work himself up to a full-blown rant but then relented. Because really, in a way it was kind of poetic. Dying in the car that had been there for him his entire life. His one true constant, even through those times that now seemed like forever ago when he and Sam had been at odds or the world had been crumbling around him. But just like him, this time she wouldn’t be coming back either. Whatever might be left of the frame by the time the fire burnt itself out won’t be enough to rebuild her. Yeah, poetic indeed.

Dean tore his eyes from the burning wreckage, once again facing Billie.

“So, you being here means what exactly?”

Billie shrugged nonchalantly. “I could have sent one of my reapers, but after all that you have done and that we’ve been through I thought it a courtesy to collect you myself.”

A small chuckle escaped Dean at the sentiment.

“Thanks, I guess.” After another moment of staring at the Impala, he turned to face her again. “So, am I going upstairs or…?”

“Of course. They are expecting you.”

“Wow, _great_.” There was only a hint of sarcasm to his words. He had no idea what exactly Heaven looked like these days, but it still must be better than the alternative. After the whole God debacle, it had taken Cas and Jack, with some help from Michael of all things, the better part of a year to salvage and reorganize and assure that Heaven, and by extension Hell, would stay open. Something or other about balance that at the time Dean hadn’t paid too much attention to. Neither of them had been up there in near a decade though, having chosen the simplicity of life on earth over heavenly glories.

“I know one is never quite prepared for this, even in your line of business, but you have led a long and eventful life, probably longer than you ever…”

“Yeah, okay…,” Dean silenced Billie with a look. “You can cut the bullcrap. I know my time should have been up years ago. No idea really how I made it to 51. So, while _yes_ , I didn’t expect this to happen today, I know I had a lot longer than I would have assumed I had back in my 20s. There really is no need for the whole after-life speech you need to give the average Joe.”

Billie rolled her eyes and gave a dramatic sigh, but her lips curled up in a small fond smile.

“Still a Winchester at heart. Very well. But if you’d actually let me finish for once, I was about to offer you one last favor… No” She quickly interrupted herself at Dean’s confused but hopeful expression.

“Not that. This _is_ your final chapter in this life, but after all that we’ve been through and that spectacular final fight, I am offering you a chance that not many people are given, to voice any regrets or last words, maybe to your brother?”

Dean took a minute to carefully consider this proposal. He hadn’t even fully absorbed the fact that he was, in fact, deceased. Dead. His body burning in the carcass of his car this very second. He appreciated the offer. But was it a wise idea to send a message from beyond the grave? Naturally his first instinct was Sammy, just like Billie suggested. But was there even anything left to say? They had been in a good place these last years, really good, no unspoken grievances were left between them. So, it was probably for the best to leave it there.

As for anything else, well … if Dean was going to do the whole introspection thing and being honest with himself- One thing, one person, suddenly came to mind, rising to the surface in a sea of half-formed feelings and thoughts. It was suddenly clear as day. Maybe being dead helped your mind focus or something, Dean wondered even as a heaviness other than the expected one at the news of one’s demise settled in his stomach. He was painfully aware that really, it was at best a memory of what this squirmy feeling in his gut felt like. Being dead was weird like that. But now that the thought had solidified, Dean was unable to squash it back down.

With a deep sigh and a newfound determination Dean turned to address Billie.

“Well honestly, me and Sammy are good. Have been for a long time. Pulling out all the stops and defeating God would do that to a relationship.” Dean stopped as Billie nodded in agreement. “We made our peace with life, and I guess, death a long time ago. Not like we don’t know what’s on the other side. There would be nothing much left to say but goodbye and while that would be nice, some kind of closure…” Dean lost his train of thought at Billie’s curious expression. Why the hell was he explaining himself to her anyway. But she nodded and urged him on to continue with a look.

Dean took a breath or well, the memory of what it would feel like to take a breath, before he continued. “Okay, there is this one thing, and if I only get one message from beyond the grave- something that.” He swallowed around a non-existing lump in his throat. “Well, I have never quite been brave enough to address it and - I mean, seems so stupid now that I’m dead, right?” A small snort escaped him. “ But…”

Billie looked at him expectantly, almost like she knew what he was so not eloquently referring to.

Dean huffed out an empty breath, trying to collect his thoughts.

“Just, could you go see Cas and tell him I’m sorry.”

Billie waited patiently to see if Dean was going to elaborate.

“Ermh- I guess to say sorry for never being brave enough to- you know, tell him that I- love him.” Dean worked his hand nervously through his hair. “Kind of the one thing I will regret taking to the grave with me- never saying anything.”

There, the words were out. Finally. Now that he had spoken them aloud, he was overcome with an immeasurable sense of sorrow rather than a feeling of freedom or release that people so often associate with confession. It felt like a 10-ton weight was tied around his neck. He had been such a dumbass. All the things he used to worry about, the obstacles he put in his way, the excuses he made until he had himself convinced that there was nothing there beyond friendship and doing his damn best to never veer from their status quo - the _wasted_ years. They all seemed pointless in the light of the fact that it was too late now. Was there even any point in letting Cas know now or was this just Dean being cruel? Would this knowledge make things easier or harder on his friend?

Quite possibly, this was one last selfish act. But with a visceral longing Dean wanted him – needed him – to know, so maybe, just maybe Castiel would try and come looking for him in Heaven. If he indeed felt the same, and if he still could enter Heaven, that was. Dean was hazy on where the angel stood with regards to his powers and connection to Heaven these days. Cas had been very cagey on the subject and after a few years it hadn’t seemed important any longer, as he seemed to deal just fine with everyday human life.

Now, mind made up, Dean faced Billie head on. “Yeah, that- tell him that, _and_ that I’m going to see his family.” Dean snickered mirthlessly.

“Very well. Consider it done. Now come.” Billie said, holding out her hand. Dean took it and the next second the spot where they stood was empty, the sound of sirens in the distance the last thing Dean heard.

###

“Castiel.”

The angel flinched briefly in surprise at the mention of his name but was quick in finding his calm as he turned, coming face to face with an entity he hadn’t seen in nearly ten years.

“Billie? What are you-? Is everything alright?” Old instincts to fight or flight kicked in unbridled. Death being here could not mean anything good, even if they parted, if not as friends, then as comrades after their last battle to defeat a God hellbent on destroying creation itself.

“No. It is about Dean.”

“Oh god, no.” Castiel blanched and for a moment felt like the room around him was tilting. He had to grab onto the wall for support. This could only mean one thing and Castiel was in no way, shape or form prepared for this. He thought if and when that time came, he would just know, feel it somehow, yet it had taken him by total surprise.

“I’m sorry, I really am. He died twenty minutes ago.”

“How?” Castiel had trouble getting the words out. He felt like his throat was closing up.

“A car crash. He died on impact. It was a quiet road and the other party involved never stopped to even check what happened.”

Castiel stumbled over to the chair, all but collapsing onto it.

“Does Sam know yet?”

“No. he is the next stop on my list. But Dean asked me to give you a message.”

Castiel looked up at that, devastation and curiosity etched in equal measures onto his face.

“He wanted you to know that he was sorry. Sorry that he never told you that he loved you.”

It was delivered in such a short and to the point tone, Castiel had to run it through his brain twice as he stared at Billie. Then his mouth fell open, eyes wide in total disbelief.

“He- he said that?”

“Yes, and he said it was the only thing he truly regretted. Never telling you.”

Castiel’s mouth closed, he gulped and then opened it again, but no words came out. He had so many questions, so much to say, most of all to Dean but that chance was gone now. Sadness and frustration threatened to overtake him as tears started pooling in his eyes. He wanted to go to Dean, and though he technically still could, he was unable to enter Heaven. A deal that had been struck in return for leaving him in peace on earth, the home he had chosen after all had been said and done. But maybe Billie could.

“Is there a chance- could you take me to him?”

She looked at him with sympathy.

“No sorry, can’t do. I myself do not enter Heaven, as you know. I have no dealings with the angels other than delivering souls destined for eternal rest.”

Castiel sighed. Of course, he knew that. But just for a second, he had hoped.

Seemingly out of nowhere a burst of anger washed over him, making him smash the light on the nightstand against the wall.

“Where the hell is the fucking point then? Why tell me now when-“ He swallowed the rest of his words, taking a calming breath.

“Castiel, you have been essential to our final victory and have more than paid your dues. And while I can’t help you enter Heaven; I can do other things. You can take it as a belated thank you. Ask and if it is within my powers, you have my help.”

“Well, unless you can send me back in time to where Dean is alive and can tell me this himself, I don’t think there is anything-“

Billie pinned him with a penetrating gaze at those words. “Which year?” She simply stated after considering him for a moment.

“Pardon?” Castiel stared, sure he must have misheard Billie.

“Come on, you should know, manipulating time is something I can do without even breaking a sweat. If you could, which year would you like to go back to?”

“Ermh-“ Castiel was flabbergasted. But of course, he shouldn’t be. This was Death after all. And as Castiel knew only too well, time was relative. Just another dimension that could be manipulated. In times gone past, when he had been fully powered and had his wings, he could have gone back himself and probably would have done so in a heartbeat.

With that in mind he allowed himself to mull over the suggestion. What would be a good time to go back to? His first instinct was to go back to the beginning and have the Winchesters spared all their pain and misery. At the same time, in that scenario they wouldn’t turn into the people they had become, the brave men he had the privilege to call his friends. And, on a selfish note, if this was about confronting and getting Dean to admit his feelings, going back too far would not have the desired outcome.

Almost more importantly, Castiel did not want to repeat that last battle, couldn’t risk the chance of them not coming out on top a second time. Their victory had been too close for comfort to risk for personal gain. It definitely would have to be a point in time after Jack managed to kill God.

This left Castiel with a pretty narrow window, being as not 11 months later Dean would meet the woman who would become his companion for five years. 10th April 2021. The date those two had met was burned into his memories.

After their eventual break-up, which had not been on mutual terms, Dean had been a mess and, Castiel had an inkling, would not be appreciative of any advances. In fact, Cas knew that Dean had sworn off all relationships after, instead throwing himself into work, not allowing himself the rest he so clearly deserved.

Cas was certain if he was going to stand a chance, it had to be before they would meet.

He hummed, sure he found the right date. He was suddenly buzzing, letting himself feel a small jolt of excitement, a glimmer of hope and joy he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Of course, before you decide on that, I have to point out that there will be the issue of your past self. Two beings from different times cannot coexist for very long without serious consequences.” Billie clarified as if she had been reading his mind, pouring the proverbial bucket of water over Castiel.

He looked down at his feet, the giddiness from a second ago sufficiently dampened. Of course, time travel came with its perks but also massive problems. Like changing of timelines.

“What if I were to go back? Would the future change? Would Dean not die this day?” There was an almost hopeful lilt to Castiel’s voice. In his book that would make any risks worth it.

“Well, I cannot answer that question in the absolute, but chances are, depending on what decisions will be made, what roads will be taken...” At Castiel’s scandalized expression Billie lifted her hands in apology, “Sorry, no pun was intended. Basically, there is a good chance this timeline in its current form will cease to exist and, as far as you’re concerned, well, as they say, the future is unwritten. Though I will have to warn you against deliberately making too many changes. You know the dangers of messing with the past.”

Castiel allowed himself to feel hope as he considered the whole picture. Yes, he would have to be extremely cautious not to alter the timeline too much. But he could go back and possibly not only avoid Dean’s relatively early demise, well early by average human population standards, but maybe, just maybe also take a gamble. Take that leap of faith that had never seemed to present itself, until it had been too late, until Dean had met someone and then, well friendship had been the safest route. And anyway, Castiel’s happiness had always come with a price tag.

“But,” Billie interrupted his racing thoughts. “Meddling with the timeline aside, I do have powers to at least address the problems of the two you’s, should you decide to go ahead. What I could offer is that the other Castiel and you become one being. In a way take your grace and his and combine it. It would be your old self in your old body but with all the knowledge of now you have acquired. Of course, that would require your other self to agree to this.”

Castiel’s face had shot up at this, eyes trained on Billie, feeling a renewed glimmer of hope. If Billie really could do that, he was sure his old self would say yes in a heartbeat, definitely when it came to having another chance, well from past Castiel’s perspective, a first chance with Dean. But there was still the issue of his deal, and with that in mind, Castiel was about to dismiss this whole idea as the pipedream that it clearly was.

“What about the Empty? We never voided the deal, even after- well I should explain-“

“No need. I know all about your deal. There is little I do not know.” Billie nodded in contemplation. “And, yes, of course.” She exclaimed after a moment. “There is a solution to that- in a way. The Empty only holds power over the Empty and the creatures that end up there. Now should you, shall we say, decide to turn human- _again_ , your soul would in effect be mine to deal with, The Empty could not touch you. Call it a loophole. You would be safe to pursue happiness.” Billie gave him a smug smirk.

“So, go back in time, kind of cease to exist in this timeline but not really, become human and take a chance on Dean.” He worked his hands furiously through his hair. When stated as plainly as that, it seemed crazy to even consider.

“Yes, all depends of course on your past self agreeing to this.”

“Ask him.” He said and before he had time to blink, Billie had vanished.

Just as fast she was back. Castiel stared at her expectantly

“He said yes.”


	2. Chapter 2

Castiel startled awake, groaning. His head was pounding, making the room tilt as he squinted his eyes open, trying to take in his surroundings. He was in his, thankfully dark, room, lying spread eagle on top of the comforter, almost like he had just collapsed onto it. He took a few deep steadying breaths as he stared at the ceiling in an attempt to stop the room from moving.

When it finally felt like his vision had leveled out, Castiel thought it safe to lift his head. He was instantly rewarded with another surge of stabbing pain that had him flop back against the mattress, squeezing his eyes shut and fighting the urge to throw up. He should not feel like this, should be able to just override any biological faults this body might experience. Instead, he was unable to focus on any one sensation or thought for more than a second. Everything was a blur. Memories and thoughts and feelings that were his but at the same time not, were assaulting him, fighting to align themselves in any way, shape or form that might make sense.

Castiel eventually managed to heave himself off the bed by sheer stubbornness, stumbling a few steps across the room till he reached the wall. He slumped against it, taking another shuddering breath before willing his body to keep moving. He staggered the next few steps coming to a stop in front of the mirror, lifting his head despite what felt like another stab right to the center of his brain. He gulped in shock. What was staring back at him was him but also not. Well it was him but not in a way that should be or made any sense.

A scream escaped him at the renewed jolt of pain. He collapsed onto the floor, panting. His hands pressed against his temples as more memories were merging, things that hadn’t yet come to pass. Like visions, only he had a feeling they were flashes of real events, images of a future that he should have no knowledge of, yet he seemed to have lived it.

Billie! Castiel remembered.

Death herself had visited him. And just like that it was all coming back, an unstoppable stream of information. His future self’s memories and feelings. With what felt like a herculean effort Castiel hauled himself up and stared at his reflection again. It appeared kind of distorted. He was Castiel, both from today and from the future. And Dean- Oh God! Dean had died and-

Without sparing his wonky balance or splitting head another thought Castiel stumbled out of the room. He had to see Dean, to make sure he was alive and well and-

He made it as far as the end of the corridor before he doubled over and was violently sick as another wave of memories from a different time assaulted him.

Breathing heavily, Castiel lowered himself to the floor leaning back against the wall for support. He really hoped the spinning would stop any time soon. He cradled his head with his hands and closed his eyes. After another couple of minutes his mind seemed to finally start to quieten down; seemingly having found a way to process and merge two streams of consciousness into one.

Castiel dared prying his eyes open, looking down the length of the corridor. His vision was still shaky but at least for the moment he didn’t feel like throwing up. It was bizarre. Castiel could sense the point at which his memories diverged. Everything was identical until half an hour ago, then it was like the future Castiel’s memories split off. Bits were hazy, Billie had said that might happen, but pivotal moments were clear as day.

“Castiel? Are you alright?” Sam seemed to have appeared out of nowhere while he had been staring at his hands. He crouched down beside the angel, a hand grabbing his shoulder. A steadying force that Castiel couldn’t help but lean into.

“I’m-“ A violent coughing fit stopped Castiel’s next words.

“I’m not quite sure.” He rasped truthfully after catching his breath. To his knowledge, no one had ever attempted something like this, so who knew what the repercussions might be.

“Let’s get you back into bed. I’ll clean this up later.” Sam stood, trying to haul the other man up with him.

“No, I- Dean. I need to see him.” Castiel shrugged out of Sam’s hold, taking a few stumbling steps towards Dean’s room.

“Cas. He’s probably still sleeping. You know what he’s like these days.” Sam’s voice was calm and appeasing yet Castiel couldn’t quell the need to lay eyes on Dean, even if just for a minute.

“But I need-.“

Sam pinned him with a comforting but no room for any nonsense look and Castiel deflated. “Yeah okay,” He acquiesced after a few seconds. If this really was 2021 then Dean would be alive and well and lying down for a little while sounded like an excellent idea all of a sudden.

#

A little while turned into a couple of days. By the time he was finally fully conscious again, Castiel was unsure exactly of how long he had been out. He recalled fuzzy images of the brothers and Jack in his room so he must have at least been awake intermittently. He sat up in his bed and pushed the comforter to the side, glad to notice that the world finally seemed to have stopped spinning. His mind was as calm as it could be considering the circumstances, and the excruciating headache had settled into a constant but negligible background buzz.

Castiel needed a moment to collect himself, not being used to being stationary, or asleep at that, for prolonged periods of time. Then with a sudden clarity he shot out of bed. Dean, Billie and the future- and what day even was it? Had he ruined everything before he even had a chance to talk to Dean? When his future self had decided on a date, he had not accounted for the possibility of being out for the count for any prolonged periods of time. What if he was already too late and just had to watch Dean fall for someone else all over again, like a painful vision come to life.

That thought propelled him the rest of the way off his bed and in search of his phone. He heaved a sigh of relief. 8th April. He had two whole days to set his plan in motion, remove his grace, become human and then get Dean to face his feelings, or at least stop him from going out Saturday night to buy them more time.

A humorless, bitter chuckle escaped him. Not much then. On top of that he felt like death warmed over and as a quick glance in the mirror confirmed, he looked like it, too. But there was not much to be done about that. He had more pressing matters to attend to, so what if his suit was rumpled.

Castiel allowed himself a moment to go over this half-cooked plan, and that was him being generous in his assessment. Thanks to the side-effects of the merge, Castiel had not time to improve on the quickly cobbled together plan of his future self. It might be a long shot, but it was the best he had to work with right now.

So, with his mind made up, Castiel went in search of Jack. He tiptoed around the bunker, trying his best to stay clear of the brothers. He would rather avoid having to explain his next actions. Better ask for forgiveness after and all that. Maybe he was being a coward, but ultimately, it was his life, his choice. And even if all becoming human would achieve was to get out of the clutches of the Empty, Castiel decided it would be worth it. Happiness was such a fickle concept at best and maybe, with or without Dean, he could aspire to at least a modicum of it one day. But he was certain he would never wholly attain it as an angel. He just couldn’t allow himself to be happy. _Plus_ , he had ten years’ worth of future memories to prove his assumption.

Castiel found Jack in the library, reading, a cup of coffee next to him on the table. He had acquired the taste for the drink over the last few months. Castiel felt a warmth suffuse him at the peaceful picture. It was a weird kind of routine they had all fallen into. There still was the occasional hunt, sure. Monsters didn’t just die out once God was vanquished, but mainly they were just navigating this new, old world order, void of angel or demon interference, with time for such indulgences as just reading a novel.

“Castiel!” Jack jumped up when he noticed him standing in the doorway. “How are you feeling? Should you be up?” The younger man grabbed Castiel’s head, holding him still as he peered deep into his eyes looking for any signs of illness.

“Thank you, I am feeling better.” A fond smile tugged at Castiel’s lips at the concern of his surrogate son.

“I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I tried to heal you but I couldn’t and-“ The young man’s grip tightened almost painfully, worry and guilt evident in his voice.

Castiel placed his hands on top of Jacks’ giving it a gentle squeeze. “Jack, I am fine,” he reassured. “But thank you for your efforts.”

Seemingly placated Jack let go and took a step back. “What was wrong?” He enquired, squinting at Castiel, tilting his head as he studied him. “Something about you seems off.”

“Yes, I am, how shall I put it, perhaps not 100% myself right now. But you have to trust me when I say that I cannot explain things further at this time.” Castiel hated keeping secrets, doing so had done nothing but harm in the past, but in order to not change the timeline too much he needed to stop people from finding out the truth.

“Okay.” Castiel smiled at Jack’s easy acceptance. Even after everything he’s been through, he still hadn’t lost that naïve kind of trust in the people around him.

“But- I do have a favor to ask”

Jack’s gaze zoomed in on him again, curiosity written all over his face.

“I need- I want to remove my grace. I want to be human.”

Jack gasped. “Castiel- what? Are you sure?”

“Yes, I gave this plenty of thought and it is what I desire.” Well, technically true, he reasoned.

Jack eyed him critically. Knowing the enormity of such a decision. “Are you absolutely certain?”

“Yes, and I need you to take my grace and put it someplace I cannot find it.”

“What do Sam and Dean think about this?”

Castiel raised an eyebrow in answer.

“Oh- they do not know.”

“No, and I would like to keep it that way. For now at least. I have my reasons.” He looked Jack straight in the eyes, willing him to understand.

“Okay, what do you need me to do?”

#

Dean slowly opened the door to Castiel’s room and quietly made his way inside. Why he was being so quiet he didn’t quite know. He would like nothing more than for his friend to finally wake up. Dean had been beside himself these last two days. Just when he thought, started to actually let himself believe that the frigging universe would cut them some slack, would let them be, the angel had collapsed without warning. Nothing seemed to rouse him and not even Jack had been able to find out what was wrong with him.

He didn’t even have to make his way properly into the room before he saw the crumpled sheets, the bed devoid of the angel.

“Cas?” he called into the room, eyes searching the space like his friend was just hiding and playing a trick on him or, a more worrying thought, possibly collapsed on the floor behind the bed. Dean made his way across the room in a few long strides. But Castiel wasn’t lying unconscious on the floor, nor did he magically appear when Dean called his name again. Heart thundering in his chest, he turned and raced out the door in search of Sam.

“Sam.” He burst into his brother’s room, not bothering to knock. “Cas- he’s not in his room.”

“Urgh- wha?” Sam shot up, old hunter instincts kicking in, looking frantically around the room.

“Cas, he’s not in his room and what if something happened to him?“

Sam rubbed his eyes, willing his brain to wake up. “Okay, okay. Take a breath. Have you looked for him?”

“What? No- I mean, he was still comatose last I checked and now you’re implying he just decided to go for a stroll?”

“Dean, relax. Let’s check the rest of the bunker before we call a Code Red. I’m sure he’s fine.”

Half an hour later they had combed through the bunker but there was no sight of Cas. The only sign of life had been a note pinned on the refrigerator, informing them that he and Jack would be gone for a day. Nothing else, that was all it said. Dean had tried the angel’s phone as well as Jack’s, but neither of them answered. In short, Dean was furious and maybe just a tad worried. But anger was definitely winning out at the moment.

“I’m gonna fucking kill him when he gets back. Not like he wasn’t like a step away from death’s door and now what? They gone fishing?” Dean fumed, pacing across the kitchen floor, clutching a mug of coffee within an inch of its life.

“I’m sure they have a good reason and will let us know when they get back.” Sam, forever being the voice of reason chimed in.

“Well, _good_ for them!” Dean mocked. “Not like we’re here worried for them or anything. I thought we were past this bullshit.” With that Dean slammed the mug down on the table and stormed out of the kitchen.

He was not going to go look for them, damnit. He sure as hell wasn’t. Cas was a grown man, angel- _whatever_ , and Jack had proved himself to be more than capable. But no one could blame him for just taking Baby out for a spin.

#

The process of removing his grace had been more tiresome that Castiel remembered. Then again, last time Metatron hurled him straight down to earth and then he had other things to worry about than whether he was tired. 

But the exhaustion he felt was the reason he and Jack didn’t make the journey back to the bunker that same evening. Castiel needed respite, actual sleep, and food, _and_ a long hot shower. All those seemingly pointless needs that became very pressing in a human body. He simply was in no shape to confront Dean in this new form without rest. He was barely conscious enough to put two sentences together.

After devouring a humungous burger to quieten his rumbling stomach he had barely been able to keep his eyes open. As a result, he checked into a motel for the night, forgoing the shower in favor of collapsing onto the nearest horizontal surface while Jack flew off to hide or otherwise dispose of Castiel’s grace.

The shower came in the morning. Castiel remembered the amazing feeling of warm water pelting against his skin. One of the few things he had truly missed. Having to make use of the other bathroom facilities he hadn’t missed quite as much. It would take Castiel a while to fully adapt to being human again. But for now, he had no time to dwell on these less savory human needs. Thanks to the demands of this body, he now was on a tight schedule. He needed to talk to Dean before tonight if he wanted to stop the chain of events from the past, no future, no- damn the thought process alone made his head hurt - in an all too human way.

The mere idea of having to open up, to lay it all out, find the right words to convey this myriad of emotions to Dean, had his stomach churn in a rather unpleasant way. Castiel had to remind himself of future Dean’s last message to give himself enough conviction. One of them had to break their cycle of non-communication about the important stuff, and future Dean had laid that responsibility squarely at Castiel’s feet. Whether it was intended as such or just as a last goodbye, Castiel had no way of knowing. He only hoped he had chosen the right time to bring this to a head.

#

As it turned out the timing couldn’t have been worse. Castiel had to internally roll his eyes at the absurdity of it. Because of his vanishing act, the one that only happened in this timeline because of his knowledge of the future and the need to find subtle ways to change its trajectory, Dean was pissed, with a capital _P_. In fact, he was so pissed off that when he and Jack returned around eleven Saturday morning, he yelled at them for a solid two minutes before stomping off in a huff. Castiel didn’t even get a chance to explain about his grace.

Each minute, hour that Dean stayed gone, was an opportunity Castiel would never get back. What if Dean wouldn’t return at all before hitting the bars and running into Ella. Maybe all he could hope for was for Dean to visit a different establishment than the one he had in the original timeline. No, Castiel had to stay focused and not hang on to shards of foolish hope. He needed to work on what he would say to the hunter once he returned, because he had to believe that Dean would. There was no time for self-pity, not yet.

By the time four o’clock rolled around Castiel barely could keep his despondency at bay. He was a ball of nerves and must have asked Sam at least half a dozen times whether he had heard from his brother. Sam was more than a bit puzzled by Castiel’s line of questioning and the ever-increasing frenzy he was in. Castiel hadn’t yet found the right time to inform Sam about his newly human status, what with all his fretting and going over and over in his head on how to approach this whole situation with Dean.

Castiel was sat in the library, a mug of lukewarm coffee clutched in one hand. He was having an internal monologue about explaining his feelings for what felt like the hundredth time. He twirled his cell round and round in his other hand, contemplating whether he should try to call the hunter again. He was about a minute away from giving into the urge to just jump into any car and go looking for Dean when he heard someone thundering down the stairs. _Dean_. He would recognize those steps anywhere.

“Dean.” Castiel yelled as he jumped up from his chair and raced to meet the other man. Dean stood at the end of the map table, arms crossed and looking like he was angry with the world at large, and with Castiel in particular.

At least he acknowledged him with a look, Castiel thought as he came to stand opposite the man. This whole scene was all too reminiscent of another time they were at odds and Castiel didn’t like the feelings the memory invoked.

“Please, just – can we talk.” He pleaded, eyes locking with Dean’s.

Dean sighed, shoulders slumping as in defeat. He looked exhausted. The hunter drew in a deep breath, his gaze briefly turning into a glare before he averted his eyes, studying his shoes instead.

“I was so fucking worried when you just collapsed. You must have known that.” Now his eyes were back on Castiel, and the former angel very nearly wished they weren’t, because the hurt in them nearly killed him. “And _yet_ , I don’t even qualify for a quick personal ‘Hey Dean, I’m better and me and Jack are heading out for a bit, no need to worry.’” Deans voice started to rise in intensity and derision. “No, instead all I get is some random note! I clearly mean that little to you. And- _NOW_ you want to talk?”

Castiel wanted to recoil at those words, but he held firm. “Dean, I’m sorry I took off without explaining myself better. I honestly believed the note would suffice in alleviating any worries. I clearly still have a lot to learn about human interaction.” And wasn’t that the truth. But one thing at a time. Castiel took a steadying breath.

Dean snorted at that, “Yeah, ain’t that the truth”, he nodded his head, eyes finding his shoes again, avoiding Cas’ gaze. But his voice had lost some of its venom and he hadn’t walked away yet. Castiel had to count that as a win, no matter how small. He just needed to find the right words to make Dean understand.

“I,-“ Castiel had too many thoughts running wild. He felt like he should elaborate, clarify that, of course, Dean meant more to him than that, in fact he meant the world to him. But he had about half an hour before Dean, well the Dean he remembered but also was here now, would decide to head out for the evening. Back then, past him-, fuck, this wasn’t getting any easier in his head. Well, he had decided to stay in, Castiel couldn’t even remember why. And while he would love to lay it all out to Dean- about being human and Billie and why he wouldn’t be able to tell him everything, he felt time nipping at his heels.

“Please don’t go out tonight.” Was what tumbled out of his mouth.

“What?” Dean’s gaze shot up again, confused, looking at Castiel, trying to make sense of what he just said.

“I mean- damn, this is all coming out wrong. I-“ Castiel felt sick, literally. His stomach was churning, and his hands were shaking; stupid human emotions.

“If you would let me, I would like to take you out tonight.” Castiel uttered, then cringed. He didn’t even make sense to himself.

Dean looked even more puzzled.

“I have no idea what that has to do with you bailing on us - but if you need some time away from the bunker, you know I don’t mind you coming along for a night out.”

Of course, Castiel knew, Dean had invited him along more than once. But this was not what he was insinuating. Dean had it all wrong.

“No, not like coming along, like – I would like to take you out- as a _date_.” And shit. Okay, Castiel panicked. This was not how he wanted to say any of this. He looked frantically at Dean, whose eyes went comically large, mouth opening and closing as he tried to make sense of what he just heard.

“You- _what_?”

“Look Dean, I know this seems out of left field, but is it really? Haven’t we been dancing around this, us, long enough. I know I have feelings for you and I’m pretty sure that you-“

“Wow, _pal_.” Dean held up his hands. “Let me stop you _right there_. You have feelings for me?” Dean squawked, voice an unusually high pitch.

Castiel mentally folded, might as well go all in. “Yes, Dean. I have for a long time but with everything that has happened, it never quite seemed like the right time to address this but-”

“And _what_?” Dean snapped. “Suddenly tonight you decide this is the time to drop this one me? In case you forgot I am kind of pissed at your right now. And- and to imply that apparently you know my feelings better than I know myself.” Dean went from angry to sounding borderline panicked.

Castiel was growing desperate. “I have it on good authority that-“

“Whose authority?” Dean challenged, crossing his arms defensively over his chest.

“I- at this time I cannot-“

“Bullshit Cas. ‘ _I cannot’”_ he parroted _. “_ \- You disappear on me for over a day, then just dump on me that you want to take me out on a date and yet tie yourself in knots with some platitudes and half-truths. How could I even-“ Dean gulped.

“Well here’s a _truth_ for you.” The man took a menacing step closer, hand poised and finger pointed like he wanted to jab Castiel.

“How _dare_ you tell me how I feel. I cannot just, just I – I can’t-“ Dean looked around wildly, yet weirdly frozen to the spot, almost like a deer caught in headlights.

“I can’t _deal_ with this right now.” He exclaimed after an all too awkward moment of silence, throwing his hands up in the air before turning to grab his car keys from the table and heading for the stairs.

“Dean, wait, please” Cas begged, made to go after him.

“No Cas, please don’t follow me.” With that Dean was out the door, leaving Cas standing at the bottom of the stairs.

“No.” Cas yelled into the room, banging his fist against the wall, then recoiling at the resulting pain. He messed it all up. Dean had left. He would be back tomorrow afternoon with stories of this great woman he met, and Castiel would just have to grin and bear it. He tried and he lost. Regardless of what Dean felt for him, apparently it took a traumatic event like death itself to make him face it.

Castiel, newly human, for one was not prepared to deal with the fallout of his emotions. Well, being human, he might as well make full use of his body’s limitations and drown his sorrows at the bottom of a bottle. He headed for the kitchen, picked up two bottles or whiskey, because he had no idea how much it would actually take to get him drunk, and headed in the direction of his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight cliff-hanger, sorry (not sorry; well a little). Nothing like a bit of angst. Now these two just need to talk/listen to each other. I hope to have the next chapter up in a couple of days.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy I managed to get this chapter out today.  
> Now, let's hope these two find a way to communicate.

It was well past midnight when Dean stumbled down the stairs. He might have had a few more drinks than originally planned, and his head was not thanking him for it. At least he had enough cash on him to order a taxi as there was no way he would have risked driving baby. And the walk from the end of the road to the bunker had helped to clear his head somewhat. On the downside, a slightly clearer mind meant having to think about shit.

Fuck his life. He groaned as he nearly slipped off the last step, grabbing the banister for support. His brain was one jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings and he couldn’t shut it off. Maybe he should have another drink. Because it was either becoming comatose real fast or give into the urge to punch something, or yell at Cas- and he kind of didn’t want to yell at Cas, or sleep for a year and forget any of today ever happened.

The myriad of emotions swirling round and round prevented his mind from making any kind of decisive choice. He seemed suspended awkwardly in the empty space between the stairs and the map table, grunting in frustration. Honestly, he really should just go to bed. After a quick visit to the kitchen to grab a bottle of whiskey that was. But before he could will his body into action, some movement in the library caught his attention. For a split-second Dean thought it was his eyes playing a trick on him. Yet his heartrate picked up. As quietly as he could he ambled towards the entrance, just for a quick check. Drunk or not, his hunter instincts kicked in automatically.

There seemed to be a figure slumped in one of the chairs. Dean edged his way further into the library. On closer inspection it was Castiel, perched over and clutching a nearly empty bottle of whisky in one hand. A new wave of something - anger or concern, or even more maddeningly a mixture of both - surged through Dean and he stomped over and pushed Cas back upright. Doing so made him realize just how wasted Castiel was, staring at him with glazed over eyes. And, hold on- somehow that couldn’t be right. There was not enough alcohol in the bunker to get an angel intoxicated. And Dean wasn’t drunk enough to mistake this for anything else.

“Are you _drunk_?”

“Y’s.” Came the slurred reply.

“Wha- I mean how?” He was nowhere near as wasted as Cas, but enough so that it took him a moment to get his words in order.

Castiel just waved the empty bottle around as though that would answer the question.

“But- _how_?” Dean emphasized like Castiel hadn’t heard him the first time. “Angels’ can’t get drunk off a bottle of whiskey”

“ _Not’nangel’nymore_.” The mumbled words were accompanied by a loud burp.

“Say that again?” Dean must have misheard. There was no way- He felt like sitting down, the room was kind of spinning all of a sudden.

“M not, not _that_ \- ‘nylonger.” Castiel cringed at his drunken admission. This was not how he wanted to spread the news. Not that it mattered any more. Well, it did, of course, but not right now. Right now, he couldn’t care less. Plus, he was too damn tired and drunk. Being human sucked.

“What?” Dean felt stunned and like he still couldn’t have heard Cas right. He lowered himself to the floor, the next available chair was simply too far away. He stared at his hands like they held the answers to his many questions. Because he must have misheard. How, and _when_ would Cas have even and, oh-

“Yesterday?!”

It was uttered so quietly, Castiel nearly missed it. He squinted at Dean.

“Yes. Y’strday, s’why I was- we were- Jack and I- don’t b’angry at Jack, I asked him to.” Castiel babbled.

Dean gaped at the man in shock. Castiel seemed to shrink back more into the chair, looking every bit as miserable as Dean felt.

“Why?” He asked hesitantly after a moment, any lingering anger or frustration had given way to confusion. Cas had given no indication lately that he wanted to get rid of his grace.

“T’was th’only way. T’stop the deal.”

“Wait, _what_?” Now Dean was shouting again, the seesaw of emotions made his head hurt.

Castiel very much didn’t like that tone of voice.

“Shhh.” He admonished, holding his finger to his lips, trying to focus his gaze on the man. But it was a struggle, as somehow Dean didn’t want to stop moving. “M’gonna tell you, just, don’ want y’t be angry, an- stop moving, is mk’ing me dizzy.”

Dean was sure he wasn’t moving but just in case he tried keeping extra still as he took a steadying breath. “Okay, yeah- k’y. M’ calm.” There was a lie, but Castiel seemed too drunk to call him out on it.

“Had to make a deal- all t’way back when Jack w’s dyin’, the Empty helped- but for a price. Would come for me if I evr find happiness, that why I had t’rip it out, had to become human, t’was my one chance, my one shot, if I wanted t’be happy, happy with y-“ Castiel suddenly stopped, swallowed audibly and pinned Dean with a glare than would have lesser men flee in fear.

“Doesn’t matter now, does it.” He groused before draining the last dregs of his bottle and slamming it on the table.

“What?” Dean was still playing catch up with Castiel’s word vomit.

“Is that why you-“ Dean massaged his temples with this pointer fingers. The night’s drinking and Castiel’s information dump was catching up to him. Plus, he still was reeling from Castiel’s earlier admission, though in context it suddenly started to make a twisted kind of sense. Cas was human, so he could cheat a deal, something something about happiness- And somehow it sounded like it was all Dean’s fault because Cas had feelings for him.

“You can be happy now? Dean tried to process what that implied.” S’that why you- you asked me out earlier?”

“Yes, w’s hoping, no- had it on good authro- authority that-“

Frustratingly this was were Cas cut himself off again. Dean snorted. “There we go again with being cryptic, what good fuckin’ authority you talkin’ about?”

“Dean, I wish I c’d tell you all of it. But I can’t, jus’ that the athro-, authroro- damn- the person I quote is Billie and-“

“Wait, Billie? As in Death?” The world tilted as Dean jerked his head up way too fast and he had to slump forward, resting his head on his bent knees.

“Yes.”

“And that should make me feel _better_?” Dean croaked.

“I don’t know Dean, jus’ s’all I can give you r’now.” Castiel jerked his hands up in frustration, regretting the rapid action immediately.

“Dude,” Dean worked his hands through his hair. “I’m kinda really pissed at you an’ for the record, I don’t like it. But you can’t just dump all this shit on me and then be all -.” Dean waved his hands at Cas like that would explain everything.

For a moment there was silence, as they both stared anywhere and at anything in the room but each other. Castiel was tilting on the chair, in danger of sliding off, and Dean just felt like closing his eyes and lying down, stop the world from spinning and preferably reaching unconsciousness real fast. But his mind was going a hundred miles an hour, any kind of rest seemed like a million miles away. Tired of fighting it, he allowed his thoughts to wander to earlier that evening, both to what Cas said and what happened at the bar after.

He snorted. It was more of a bitter guttural choke. It garnered Castiel’s attention, his blue eyes drifting over to Dean. Dean held the angel’s, no ex-angel now, gaze.

“You know, when I went out earlier- I met this awesome girl, like _really_ awesome.”

Castiel’s heart clenched painfully. ‘Here we go, history repeating itself.’ He braced for the inevitable and clutched the empty bottle for moral support.

“And- _fuck_ \- she was kind of perfect, pretty and easy t’talk to, and so, so very interested. Yet all I could fuckin’ think about- all t’was going around in my stupid head was _you_ , and what you said and that I might-. Fuck, I didn’t take her up on her offer to spend the night, because- I just couldn’t and- you, fuck, I don’t know how to deal with any of this.” He gestured haphazardly between them.

“Dean-“ Cas suddenly wished he was sober, so he could get his brain to focus. This was important.

“Cool it.” Dean was swift to interrupt. He wasn’t sure he could cope with any more of Castiel’s revelations tonight. “I- I don’t even know man. I don’t know what to say. Of fucking course, I feel something for you but- thing is, we coasted along just fine, didn’t we? Being friends was alright. But then you had to-, and I- I’m so mad at you for making me have to face this and ruining what should have been a perfect night and-“ Dean groaned in frustration.

Castiel just stared wide-eyed as Dean fought to find the words of what to say next. He was too drunk to really make much sense of his words beyond the fact that clearly, Dean didn’t go home with this woman and if it hadn’t been for the distress on the man’s face, Castiel would have cheered in victory.

“Man, ‘s not even that I- I just don’t know-“ The room was tilting at an alarming rate all of a sudden, and Dean had a feeling not just from the alcohol. “I gotta go to bed and sleep on things.” Dean suddenly got up, on way too shaky legs for his liking, and hightailed it out of the room before Castiel could protest any further.

#

Castiel woke up feeling like literal death. And wasn’t that poetic. Apparently, he never made it back to his room. And comfortable beds chairs did not make. He groaned as he moved his head. He would probably feel the crick in his neck for days from where he had been slouched over. The movement woke up his stomach, which made itself known with a vengeance and he just about managed to make it to the bathroom before ejecting its contents. Being human _really_ sucked.

He stayed braced over the toilet seat until he eventually stopped dry heaving. Why did some humans do this to themselves on a regular basis? He would never understand. Once Castiel was about 80% certain that he was done with being sick, he heaved himself up off the ground and headed for the kitchen.

As he was shuffling down the corridor, he tried to rearrange and recall bits and pieces from last night. Things were rather choppy, but he was sure Dean was there with him in the library at one point, though the details refused to come to him. All he could surmise was that Dean had not gone home with Ella, instead chose to come back to the bunker (maybe back to him, his brain supplied unhelpfully).

Sam was already sat at the table, nursing a coffee and giving him a questioning look. Castiel just shook his head, groaning at the sensation, and was thankful that Sam seemed to accept this, for now at least. He would have to explain the situation to the younger Winchester eventually. But _after_ coffee, and after some food to hopefully help his rioting insides.

Sam took mercy on Cas, gestured to an empty chair and went to fetch him a mug of coffee. Cas gave his thanks and after a big gulp clung to the mug like his life depended on it.

“Rough night?” Sam enquired hesitantly.

“Mhhh.” Cas mumbled into the mug; eyes closed.

“You faint again?”

And Cas forced himself to look up. Sam’s gaze was concerned, and of course he had every right to be worried. it had only been a few days since Castiel completely blacked out. He felt a pang of guilt add to the riot in his gut at making Sam worry needlessly.

“No Sam.” He reassured. “I was simply, well- I was sad, and I tested the limits of this body and, let’s say it didn’t go so well.”

“Anything I can do to help?” It was clear that Sam had more questions but held back.

“Yes, actually, maybe you might have any tips on appropriate hangover foods.”

Sam seemed even more surprised. Castiel could see the questions just sitting there right on the man’s tongue, but again he refrained, instead offering to make Castiel some greasy hangover food, and Cas was eternally grateful for the man’s tact. He would have to tell him, of course, but later when he was able to string more than two thoughts together.

Castiel watched as Sam whipped him up some bacon and scrambled eggs. Once they were plated, he placed the plate in front of Cas and joined him at the table. Castiel pushed the eggs around the plate for a moment before forcing himself to eat a forkful. He wasn’t sure whether his stomach would rebel and reject the food. Instead, it emitted a loud grumping noise. Clearly, food was what his body needed, so he started to wolf down the rest of it.

Castiel felt Sam’s eyes on him as he enjoyed his food, he himself seemingly content with the occasional sip of his coffee. When watching Castiel seemed to not provide enough entertainment any longer, Sam opened his laptop to do some work. Castiel would have welcomed the companionable silence, had it not been for the fact that half his mind was preoccupied with listening out for any sign of life from Dean, while trying to piece together and make sense of the bits and pieces he remembered from last night.

After food, and a thankfully slightly pacified stomach, the next couple of hours seemed to pass in a blur. First, Castiel managed to make it to the shower. Hungover humans sweated and smelled, he realized. After, he went to his room to put on some fresh clothes only to remember that he didn’t own any. Reluctantly, he put on his suit trousers and crumpled white shirt again, as well as his socks and shoes. He would have to acquire some clothing. Maybe he could ask Sam to take him shopping.

His body was throwing out clear signals that it required more sleep, yet his mind was racing. He was under no illusion that even if he decided to lie down, sleep would evade him. So he took a leaf out of the hunters’ book and went back into the kitchen for some more coffee. It seemed a proven remedy for tiredness. Sam was still working on his laptop, and if he hadn’t been so tired, Castiel would have happily engaged the younger Winchester in conversation. As it was, it seemed all he could do was to drink his coffee and keep an eye out for Dean.

The man in question eventually skulked into the kitchen at about 2pm, mumbling a ‘g’morning’ but not being able to even meet Castiel’s eyes. He looked at least as bad as Castiel felt, clad in nothing more than his Dead Man’s Robe, and a t-shirt and boxers.

Castiel found the content of his mug immensely interesting all of a sudden, as he quickly averted his eyes away from Dean.

Sam, who seemed to have magical senses, picked up on the obvious tension in the room in 5 seconds flat, and shot confused glances between the two. The suspicious evaluation of the situation went on for about a minute before he apparently couldn’t hold his breath any longer.

“Ah come on, is someone gonna fill me in what’s going on here?”

“Nothing” Dean was way too quick in replying; and the snappy tone of his older brother was already testing Sam’s patience.

“You wanna try that again?” Sam fixed Dean with a no-room-for nonsense glare.

“ _Nothing_ is going on.” Dean stressed, shuffling over to the coffee maker and groaning in displeasure at the small puddle of coffee that was left.

Sam’s gaze wandered over to Cas who seemed to have frozen on the spot, eyes trained intently on his mug. Nothing going on his ass. You could cut the tension with a knife. Sam honestly had thought these idiots got over their issues after everything. He remembered only too well the last time Dean had been this out of sorts, _and_ the time before that. And the common denominator had always been Castiel.

He groaned in frustration. “Oh come on. I am not doing this again. Can you two just sort out your shit once and for all.”

Dean turned and shot him a death glare that clearly was intended to shut him up. Instead it had Sam’s hackles rise.

“You know what?” Sam exclaimed, finally getting the attention of both men. He got up off his chair, maybe a bit more dramatically than necessary, and made a big show of picking up his laptop. “I’m gonna head out to Eileen’s. I’ll be gone for a few days. So, maybe, just maybe- you two knuckleheads could pull your heads out of your asses while I’m gone.” With that he disappeared.

Now that the Sam-shaped buffer was gone, the atmosphere in the kitchen became even more oppressive. Castiel still staring into his mug, and Dean fixing the coffee maker with a frown, both seemingly too proud or too scared to be the first to break the silence.

This was definitely not what Castiel had hoped to achieve when he took the risk of baring his soul. He had dared to dream that because of what he knew, knew Dean’s feelings for him to be - no matter how messed up - that opening up to him would be all it took. But now he realized how naïve he had been. Human emotions and feelings and conditionings were such fragile, complex things. Dean might never be able to acknowledge his feelings for him, and in the end friendship was better than nothing. He had to try and fix dead-end he had led them to.

“Dean-“ Castiel finally broke their stalemate. Only for the other man to interrupt him.

“Cas, I-“

“I am sorry.” Castiel interrupted in turn.

At those words Dean managed to pull his eyes away from the coffee maker, for the first time today looking directly at Castiel. The angel, no man now, looked miserable, dark rings under his tired eyes. A night of drinking would do that to a human. And Cas was human now. And Dean had been the reason Castiel sought respite at the bottom of a bottle. _Fuck_. He never wanted this, didn’t want to consciously hurt his friend.

But also, he still felt that residual anger in his veins. Castiel just took matters into his own hands yet again, ripped out his grace, and not telling them- him, about it. That thought hurt and was almost overriding the real issue Castiel had pulled out of the dark and into the open last night. Emotions, _feelings_. And he seemed so damn certain, yet Dean wasn’t sure he could face that. Of course, Cas was special to him. But Cas had decidedly been taking about romantic feelings. And Dean wasn’t sure whether he returned those feelings, and if so, to what extent. And more importantly, even _if_ he did, whether he would be able to admit as much. Could he ever actually see himself act on any feelings, hypothetical or otherwise? And even now Dean was aware that he was being a coward, looking for an easy way out. It was all such a convoluted mess, but a small part of him, somewhere deep inside, almost felt relief that he finally had a reason to address this.

“Don’t be.”

“But, I clearly made you uncomfortable, and I never wanted that for you. Just that I thought because- and again I wish I could tell you the things I know but-“

Dean held up a hand to stop Castiel. He could feel his temper rise but at the same time, if Castiel said he couldn’t tell because Billie instructed him too, maybe he just needed to trust him. Billie had been nothing but honest and fair to them for as long as he’d known her. Thanks to the lack of alcohol pumping through his veins, he was able to reign that temper back in.

“Can’t say I’m happy about being in the dark but- man, I get it, cosmic consequences or some shit, right?” He huffed, trying for humor.

Castiel felt a small smile tug at his lips. “Something like that. It involves a future timeline and I can’t risk it to just-“

Dean gaped at him. “Time travel?”

“Not exactly. Again, it is hard to explain, but I am aware of certain things the future holds- but even now things are getting hazy, and- how do humans put it? it’s complicated.”

“Yeah, okay. I get that. Still, not telling me about that deal, not cool.” Cas having kept a secret yet again, was what really hurt, was what making him trust hard for Dean.

Castiel nodded, feeling rightfully chastised. “I agree, and I am truly sorry; just compared to everything else that happened in these last 2 years, it had seemed irrelevant and then life just continued and-“

“But you gave up the prospect of any possible happiness, what- forever?”

Castiel nodded, grim. “Yes, hence my newfound status as fully functioning human. Billie offered me a loophole.”

“In exchange for what?” Dean narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

“Believe it or not, as a Thank You to me and- also to you in a way.”

“Care to explain?”

“I can’t really, as-“

“Part of the no-tellsies about any possible future facts?” Dean might not like it, but he got the part of how messing too much with timelines was generally a bad idea.

“Yes.” And god, did Castiel want to spill it all to Dean. Want to make sure the man would be aware not to go out for that drive in 10 years’ time. As it was, all Castiel could hope for was that even this little detouring from how events had panned out would be enough to change that aspect of Dean’s future. Whether for better or worse was beyond Castiel’s control.

“Okay, I’ll stop asking.” In reality, that was the last thing Dean wanted but he might have learned a thing or two about picking his battles over these last few years.

They fell back into silence.

Dean eventually cleared his throat, in an attempt to grab Castiel’s attention again. “You know, ‘s not that I wouldn’t want- just- I-“ He swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat. “What you said yesterday, about- I-“

“Dean we can just forget about it.”

“ _No_.” Dean surprised himself with the vehemence of his own voice. “Is that- you were partly right. I have- erm- I _do_ sometimes wonder- about us, y’know, but-“ Despite the hangover still making it hard to concentrate, Dean wished he had a glass of whisky in his hand now. As it was, he took to nervously wringing his hands.

“Just that-the life we lead, _I_ lead, the way I was brought up. Man- I never really allowed any of those thoughts to linger. The angel thing alone would have been a hell of a lot to explain to other hunters-“ Dean stared bleakly at his hands, still moving round and round each other.

Castiel had so much he wanted to say but thought it best to wait Dean out, now that he was finally talking to him.

“And the guy thing.” Dean huffed nervously. “Yeah, definitely never stayed on that for too long. And I don’t know. With our whole life constantly being in the crapper. What I’m trying to say here is, fuck.” He took in a big gulp of air. Still not quite able to meet Castiel’s eyes. But he needed to get this out now before he would lose his courage.

“Honestly, I don’t think I ever would have let myself think of us as more, and then you had to come and blast me with your feelings. And part of me is so mad, because what we’d established worked somehow, and now I can’t even pick up an awesome woman at a bar because of you, and at the same time I have no idea if I could ever be okay with what you might want and-“

“Dean breathe.” Castiel finally interrupted; the man’s speech having gotten faster and his breathing shallower the longer he talked.

“Yeah, okay- yeah.“ Dean took a few slow deep breaths, eyes now fixed to the ceiling.

“Can I say something?” Castiel asked tentatively once it seemed that Dean was breathing steadily again. While not quite the answer he had hoped for when he had opened up to the other man, it was a starting point. Dean was talking, actually talking about his feelings, and they could build from here.

“I am sorry for having dumped this on you like I did. No- let me finish please.” Cas insisted when it looked like Dean was about to interrupt. “I am _not_ apologizing for my feelings just about my poor execution in conveying them to you. I was panicking.”

Dean nodded and his eyes finally met Castiel’s again. Giving him his undivided attention.

“You have been honest with me, so I’m going to put my cards on the table. Yes, I would very much like to explore a romantic relationship with you, but I heard you, and I acknowledge what you said. All I ask at this stage is that you maybe give it some thought, do some introspection. And should you decide this is not something you want-“

At Dean’s almost pained look Castiel stopped for a second, trying to think of the right words.

“- Or even if it is something you might want but cannot act upon, I will still be your friend and we will work it out together. For now, maybe just do not shut me out while we navigate this, and I will try to do the same. We have done that too many times.”

Dean gave a small chuckle of acknowledgment to the statement.

“Also, please tell me if being around me makes you too uncomfortable, so we can work on a way to preserve our friendship. Because Dean, your friendship means everything to me.”

“Cas-“ Dean started then aborted, swallowing nervously, eyes roaming the kitchen like the answer was hidden in some corner. “Same, you- I mean you are my best friend. And I won’t be uncomfortable around you.”

Cas raised a challenging eyebrow.

“Yeah, okay. When you just dumped this all one me, I was- it freaked me out, okay. I need some time to process. But that aside, I- I might want- maybe. Just, I can’t promise you anything romantic at this stage, I have so much crap in my head, but I do know that I do not ever want to lose you again. The last time nearly killed me, when you left, I-“

And hell, now Dean’s eyes were watering, just the memory of how lost he had felt when Castiel had walked out on him. They had managed to fix it back then, and damn, they could do this now, any possible awkwardness be damned.

“Just, right now, I- Can we maybe put a pin in this? I need to get some coffee and food inside me, before-. Guess I’ll have some thinking to do.”

Castiel nodded his assent. Suddenly feeling weirdly surplus to requirements, as Dean refilled the coffee maker, then proceeded to raid the fridge for anything that could qualify as hangover food.

“Ermh, maybe I- I just leave you to it.”

“No, Cas. I didn’t mean for you to leave, just-“ Dean was quick to protest.

“It’s quite alright Dean. I still feel the effects of last night and could do with a nap, weird as that feeling is.”

Dean nodded. The man did look exhausted. And Dean could do with some time alone. He had a lot to think about.

“Yeah, okay. Gotta look after that body of yours. But- we’ll talk later. I promise, okay.”

“Okay, Dean.” Castiel drank the last of his coffee before quickly rinsing out the mug and leaving Dean to his breakfast and his thoughts.

#

A knock on his door pulled Castiel back to wakefulness. If possible, his body felt even worse than before. He was never going to drink again.

“Yes,” he called, rubbing his eyes and sitting up on his bed.

The door opened slowly. A nervous looking Dean standing at the threshold, hesitant to move all the way into the room.

“Dean?”

“Yeah, hi Cas.” Dean shuffled on the balls of his feet, clearly nervous.

“You want to come in?” Castiel offered after it seemed like Dean would not move by himself.

“Yeah.” He took a few steps into the room, leaving the door open, like he might need a quick escape.

“So-“ He started, then stopped. Briefly looking at Castiel, then away again, before forcing himself to return his gaze to the other man.

“Believe it or not- I’ve been doing some thinking.” He started, followed by a small self-depreciating chuckle.

“And I concluded that maybe I might- you know try for us to- -to see if we could, if _I_ could.” God Dean knew he was rambling, and he hated it. But it had taken him all afternoon to even admit this much to himself. That despite all his hang-ups, he was curious where this might go. In a way Castiel would be an ideal companion. Dean just needed to sort his brain out, give himself a little push so they could at least try.

“What I am trying to not so eloquently say here is that- let’s just- take it one step at a time, if you’re okay with that. Like, maybe just spend more time together. I mean, we kind of do anyway these days but- I don’t mean just more hunts. Like just the two of us.”

Castiel shot Dean a bemused look. This suggested scenario did sound awfully much like going on dates, wasn’t that what people did in the initial dating stage, spending time together?

“You know, what you suggest could be construed or understood as- a date.“

Dean chuckled nervously, briefly averting his eyes, before meeting Castiel’s again. “Yeah, _okay_ \- I guess it could. But I do mean just hanging out, for now. See where it might take us. Because really, I won’t know whether that might be something I want if I don’t at least try. I mean, I _want_ to hang out with you, of course I do, but the- you know _other_ parts of hanging out. “ And God, he was still rambling, but he just needed Cas to understand that while not a ‘yes’, it also wasn’t a ‘no’.

“Just- don’t exactly call it a date or anything like that, maybe. At this stage my mind can’t handle this shit. And, I promise I’ll try to sort out my messed-up brain. Is that something you might want? I do not want to string you along. That would be a fucked-up thing to do.”

Castiel’s mouth tugged up at the corners, despite his still pounding head and aching body. Whatever the outcome of this navigation stage might be, he definitely would be a lot closer to Dean, even if they eventually decided to just stay friends. Wasn’t that also the purpose of dating and spending time with another person, to see if people who liked each other were compatible in other ways?

Castiel considered Dean with a long look. At least this thing between them was out in the open now, and he was pretty positive that Dean felt some kind of love for him. And that in itself was an exhilarating feeling. In Castiel’s book that already put him way ahead of his future self, who till that fateful day had never known for certain and had always been too afraid to rock the proverbial boat.

“I would like that very much.” Castiel finally agreed, eyes crinkling with his smile. “After all, we have always been very good at making things up as we go.”

Dean couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him. “Yeah, that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of the chapter gave me a bit of a headache. Hope it doesn't seem rushed. Now let's see how they are going to navigate this.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this took so much longer than planned, but as you can imagine life is crazy right now. Finally got set up to work from home, which was a great relief.
> 
> Hope this chapter will be able to distract you and cheer you up a bit in these times. I am always nervous about writing anything remotely fluffy. But anyway, awkward non-dating ahead.

Nothing much changed in the days that followed. They all had their daily routines, and were still finding ways to navigate this new, post-war-against-God world they found themselves in.

Personally, Castiel was thankful for the time he was allowed to adapt to being human. It involved pleasurable activities like trying new foods and shopping for clothes and other necessities, and more unpleasurable ones, like having to use the bathroom and getting aches and pains for seemingly no apparent reasons. Okay, so he pulled a muscle when he tested the limits of his body’s flexibility one morning. He was not beyond admitting that had been his own fault and a lesson well learned.

Sam and Dean disappeared for three days to take care of a hunt a couple of states over that they had been unable to offload on someone else. While frustrating, the distance appeared to have done Dean some good, as his tentative attempts of carving out some time for them upon his return showed. Though those attempts mainly consisted of Dean finding pleasure in showing a newly human Castiel all the delights foods could hold. He started to go all out for family dinners, in what felt like a safe environment as generally there still was the buffer of other people from letting things get too personal.

Castiel adhered to the unspoken parameters Dean seemed to have set. He didn’t want to push the man as per his request. At times Dean was quiet and reserved, thoughtful and Castiel could see it on the man’s face that he was struggling. Other days he was joking and seemed like his usual self, borderline flirty as he threw innuendos around the dinner table, making Castiel and whoever else happened to be present, laugh.

Truth be told, being patient was hard, especially when Castiel desired so much more. Navigating those different emotions, the head and the heart was harder than he could have ever anticipated Thankfully there was always plenty to do to occupy his mind, things to catalogue, books to translate.

Finally, the Saturday two weeks after their heart-to-heart, Castiel’s wait for a sign from Dean came to an end.

Everyone was milling around the bunker. Any hunting related business had reached a lull, as it intermittently tended to do these days, and everyone appeared to be making plans. Sam was preparing to go on a trip to see Eileen, Jack was going to go and meet with some friends he recently made.

Dean was bored, there was only so many times he could fuss over Baby, and with too much time on his hands he realized that really, a day like this was ideal to finally make some plans with Cas. Test the waters so to speak. He had enough time to think and fret and mull over his hang-ups and while nowhere near solved, he actually missed hanging out just him and Cas. It could mean whatever they wanted it to at this stage.

As Dean contemplated any possible venues or activities, his mind twisted itself into knots trying to frame this as anything other than a date- okay, so some issues were lingering but he was working on it. It would just be two friends hanging out, getting to know each other better- not like they hadn’t known each other for over 12 years, literally been to Hell and back.

Dean pressed his mouth in a tight line, no idea if this train of thought was making him feel better or worse. Cas was special, no matter how he diced it. And he could spend forever dissecting his multitude of thoughts and feelings and not get anywhere. That was why he generally believed thinking to be overrated.

‘Shut up,’ he scolded his brain, actually flicking his right temple with his fingers. So, what- would it be so horrible to call a spade a spade? Dean could admit he had issues to the wazoo but really, he should try, at least in the safety of his own head. He was planning on taking Castiel out, and the man deserved for him to take this seriously, to give them a proper shot.

Dean finally settled on the movies. Safe enough for friends to do but also unquestionably an activity many couples shared, so it could be framed as romantic should they be so inclined.

Mind made up, internal pep talk apparently a success, Dean took the short walk across the hall and knocked on Castiel’s door.

“Come in.”

“Hey.” Dean said, standing at the door, not quite brave enough to make his way all the way into the room. He shuffled on his feet, trying for a confident smile but landing somewhat more on bashful and slightly constipated.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas returned the smile from where he was sat on his bed, book in his lap.

“ _So_ \- you know how we decided we were gonna hang out more, like just _us_.” Dean stammered, then stopped looking at Castiel as if waiting for confirmation.

Castiel ‘mhm-ed’ and gave him an encouraging nod.

“Yeah, good- well there is this new Marvel movie and I was gonna go see it and then I thought, perfect opportunity, _right_.” He worked his hands through his hair, trying to hide his nerves behind a smirk.

“Yes, Dean, I would love to go to the movies with you.”

Castiel couldn’t help his heart rate from picking up. He had been waiting for a sign from Dean for weeks. He didn’t want to spook the man though, so he just gave a reassuring smile, and didn’t jump off the bed like his body was urging him to.

Dean took in a breath and nodded, fake confident smile still firmly in place. Really, he could whoop with joy that Castiel put him out of his misery and didn’t make him repeat or explain further.

“Cool, _great_ \- so, ready in an hour?” Dean blabbered, already half lumbering out the door.

“Okay.” Castiel confirmed to Dean’s retreating back, hardly able to hide the giddiness that threatened to overtake his body. It would take him a while to get used to being at the mercy of his emotions but for once, he welcomed it.

#

An hour later they were on their way to the nearest cinema complex. The drive was spent mostly in silence, a mix between comfortable and awkward, as each kept sneaking glances at the other but not quite brave enough to start a conversation.

It was a busy night, and Dean was grateful he had the foresight to pre-book tickets, so they only had to contend with the queue for the snacks. Dean tried to be sly, but he was undoubtedly fairly obvious as he eyed the people around them, looking for inspiration on how to act.

He stupidly felt like being back in high school taking a girl out for a first date, though he didn’t even get to have many of those. He could always blame the lack of practice for his current awkward status rather than the fact that he was painfully aware and self-conscious that he was here with a guy, and not just in a purely friendly fashion. The fact that people might look at them didn’t help, though he intellectually knew that shouldn’t matter, yet annoyingly, it did.

Dean just had no baseline here, no idea how to act around Castiel, and the man himself didn’t really have lots of experience to draw from either, as far as Dean knew at least. Dean couldn’t exactly look to him for direction.

Naturally, Dean had a moment of panic before giving himself an internal ass-kicking. He was being dramatic for no reason. In the end Castiel was still his best friend and hanging out with him should not feel awkward.

Taking a fortifying breath hidden behind a grin, Dean turned to the man in question, bumping his shoulder with his. “So- with you being human now -“ Dean’s eyes traveled over to the counter, eyeing the popcorn.

Castiel smiled, studying the offerings with interest. “Yes, I would enjoy having cinema appropriate snacks with our movie,“ he concluded.

Dean snorted. He would never get tired of the way Castiel talked.

“Okay, so popcorn, it is. Any preferences?” Dean gave him some totally useless finger guns. _And_ he was back to feeling awkward again.

Castiel squinted at him.

“Come on dude, sweet or salty. You did have popcorn before.” He explained, then added, “Or- if you’re daring or just plain weird you can even mix them.” Dean mock shuddered.

Castiel ‘ah’ed’ in understanding, giving the request some serious consideration. „I am curious about the mix; I have to admit.”

Dean rolled his eyes, but when it was their turn, bought the biggest tub of mixed popcorn available. The afterthought of ‘was sharing weird?’ was quickly suppressed. He added two soft drink and some chocolate they could share later, just because. Guess this was more veering into date territory but on the whole, Dean deemed it an acceptable compromise. He wasn’t exactly planning on hand feeding Castiel the chocolate.

Goodies in hand, they made their ways to their seats and Dean was grateful that the trailers were already being played. It stopped any possible awkwardness about having to make small talk in its tracks.

The rest of their shared movie experience unfolded as well as could be expected, or well-

Dean tried to concentrate on the plot, but was too aware of his body, especially where his thighs were pressed against Castiel’s and their hands were always in danger of brushing as they reached for the popcorn. He had the tub in an iron grip, surprised the cardboard didn’t just give way under the pressure. Castiel seemed to enjoy the mix of salt and sugar and his munching became more pronounced, which proved another massive distraction, and not quite as annoying as Dean would have expected. Eventually he just shoved the by now half empty tub into Castiel’s arms and whispered to him to “Go wild”. Mix was never his favorite anyway.

But now his hands were free to fidget. If this were any other date, Dean by now would have an arm slung casually over the back of Castiel’s seat, especially with no one sat behind them. But this was, in fact, not like any other date. Dean could hardly even think the word. Whether he liked to admit it or not, his mind tripped repeatedly over the fact he would be cozying up to a guy, especially now Castiel was a literal guy, and that thought made him stay frozen in his seat for most of the movie.

What Dean wouldn’t give right about now for just not giving a crap, simply enjoy the experience, because his issues aside, it was actually rather fun. The bits of plot he did catch were entertaining and Castiel’s clear enjoyment was infectious.

But as he had confided to Castiel before, he was not quite there yet. But Castiel deserved for him to at least try, otherwise why even bother with this whole shindig. Like he had said, he didn’t want to string Castiel along.

With what felt like a monumental effort, but in reality was only a movement of a few inches, Dean turned his body towards the other man, who finally had discarded the now empty tub of popcorn. He nudged him with the elbow to get his attention when he thought the movie demanded it, so they could share a quiet smile or whispering quiet little comments when appropriate.

Dean allowed himself to sink further into his seat. He couldn’t help but notice how Castiel seemed visibly relax in turn, leaning more into Dean and becoming more animated.

Dean chuckled quietly on this inside; trying to keep with movie etiquette. It was a relief to know he wasn’t the only one feeling the strain. By Dean’s estimation, they both definitely would need a drink after.

Apart from his clear love for popcorn, Castiel seemed to thoroughly enjoy the overall cinematic experience. The film had ended on a cliff-hanger, which he bemoaned but overall, he seemed happy, and Dean found his enthusiastic analysis of the plot endearing and Castiel’s general mood irresistible.

“This was very pleasurable. Thank you.” Castiel beamed at Dean.

Dean could not help the smile that threatened to split his face.

“Glad you enjoyed yourself. I did, too.” And he wholeheartedly, meant it. Initial awkwardness aside, Dean dared to deem the trip to the movies a success.

“We can do this again soon if you want.” He nudged Castiel playfully in the shoulder. Castiel nodded and for a moment looked like he wanted to put his arms around Dean but seemed to reconsider. Instead copying Dean’s playful gesture, giving a small shove of his own He was rewarded with a chuckle and a bright smile.

They made their way back to the Impala, Castiel still chattering away and Dean enjoying the steady stream of commentary. They came to a standstill next to the passenger door. The obvious thing would be to just get in the car and drive home, instead both of them were suddenly dragging their feet. Their eyes were meeting intermittently, before looking a way again.

God they really were a couple of 15-year olds.

Dean took a steadying breath and cleared his throat, getting the other man’s attention. When he had it, he looked deep into his eyes, those damn blue eyes. A weird feeling of excitement and nerves were starting a battle in his gut.

“So-”

“So?” Castiel parroted.

“Fancy a drink to finish off the night?” Dean tried for casual, leaning against the side of the Impala. He really didn’t want the evening to end quite yet.

Castiel was studying Dean’s face as he seemed to consider the offer. What he was looking for Dean was not quite sure. Dean held his gaze and suddenly it was just them. Like it had so many times before. Only now the gaze held a heaviness that it didn’t before, or maybe it did, but Dean never dared acknowledge it.

“That sounds acceptable.” Castiel agreed ultimately, lips quirking up at the corners. “Though I might just stick to the one.” His nose wrinkled as he no doubt thought about that night not too long ago where he swore off alcohol for good.

“Yeah, same.” Dean smiled and opened the door for Castiel to get in before he even realized what he was doing. Ah shuck, but bringing attention to this now would just make things awkward again, so Dean didn’t, instead going for confident, adding in a playful wink.

Castiel rolled his eyes fondly at Dean’s antics but would be lying if there wasn’t a certain heat in his cheeks that was thankfully hidden by the night.

In the end Castiel was the one who drove them back to the bunker. Dean had a couple more than originally planned. He was kind of trying for some Dutch courage, because he had an epiphany half-way through his first beer. No matter from what angle he examined it, this evening definitely was headed into the direction of qualifying as a date. What with the way they sat close together, legs and arms brushing as they tried to have a conversation over the noise of the bar. The way he was looking at Castiel and the way Castiel smiled and regarded him when he thought Dean’s attention was occupied by something else. As if!

Thing was, generally dates ended with at least a kiss of some description, and that was on the occasions where the main goal wasn’t just a night of sexual gratification. That realization had his heart hammer in his chest and his hands go clammy, and head to the bar for that extra drink, or two.

Castiel didn’t seem to mind, like he instinctively knew Dean needed that little extra courage. It kind of worked out perfectly, as Castiel had meant what he said about not wanting to experience another hang-over.

When it was time to leave, Dean led them back to the Impala, arm slung around Castiel’s shoulder, only in part for support, and not really caring.

Dean noticed with satisfaction that Cas treated his Baby with care, and soon was able to relax and literally let Cas take the wheel.

It was all going well until they were walking down the corridor towards their respective room. He did not want things to end on a weird note, but Dean just couldn’t help but fidget as a sudden lump started to form in his throat.

Was he being walked to his room? Was he walking Cas to his? Were there any expectations of any kind? Dean felt his heart missing a beat, then beating double time to make up for it. He was on the verge of panicking; Dutch courage be damned. He was not ready for anything like that. But also, he really enjoyed this evening, and his head and heart seemed to pull him in completely opposite directions.

All too soon they came to stand outside his room.

“Thank you again for tonight. I had a wonderful time.” Castiel smiled a small private smile. Dean could see the honesty of the statement written all over the ex-angel’s face.

Me, too. Cas, yeah-“ Dean had a hand on the doorknob, staring at Castiel who was looking right back at him. Both seem to be frozen in time.

“Do we, shall we-“ He stammered, more like a deer in headlights than the confident suave man he liked to think himself as.

“We don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable with.” Cas replied, placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze.

“Ok, yeah, just-” Dean wanted to lean more into the touch, but instead took the coward’s way out and leaned in, placing a peck on Castiel’s cheek, a very stubbled cheek. He heard Cas’s surprised intake of breath.

He leaned back, looking at the other man while taking a deep breath of his own.

He knew he was on the brink of freaking out, could feel the spike in his pulse, the coiling in his gut. Decade’s worth of crap assaulting his brain, especially as for a split second he had enjoyed the feeling of stubble against his lips and wanted to enjoy it while his head told him he shouldn’t.

“Um, Cas- I really enjoyed myself, and I mean it! But, that’s all I got right now.” He looked at the man apologetically. Thankfully Cas just smiled and nodded in understanding.

“Just- I have some things I still need to work through, _clearly_.” He huffed trying to make light of the suddenly heavy mood.

“I understand.” Castiel’s hand was still on Dean’s shoulder and gave another squeeze.

“Get some sleep, and again thank you for tonight.” With that Cas turned and made his way to his own room. Dean stood and watched as the man walked away. In part glad for the respite, in part sad that the night had ended like it had. If only he could allow himself to want the other man.

#

The next few days Dean reverted to being quiet and withdrawn. Castiel was doing everything he could to give the man his space while letting him know that he was there for him in whichever capacity he needed him.

It kind of came as a surprise when Dean approached him on Thursday evening saying that he would like to ‘hang out’ again, and whether Castiel would like to take over the planning this time. Castiel had been quick to agree, maybe too quick, as he actually had no idea what to possibly do. But Dean was reaching out to him again, and that alone made the stress of planning an outing worth it.

He had obsessed the better part of Thursday night over what could be an appropriate venture that might bring him and Dean closer together while respecting the hunter’s boundaries. A good old-fashioned bar seemed like the safest bet. Maybe he could locate one that had a live music. Dean like music as well as bars, so why not combine the two. After some help from Google, Castiel decided on a place about two hour’s drive away in a slightly bigger city. Hopefully away from home Dean might not get too flustered being seen out with another man. Castiel would give his friend all the time he needed to make sense of the mess that was evidently still troubling him.

That Friday evening, they set out with plenty of time until the music would start. It was an 80s rock cover band and Dean seemed excited by the idea.

Like last time they spent the drive mainly in silence but with music keeping them company. Occasionally Dean interrupted to give Cas commentary on some of the songs. He enjoyed Dean sharing one of his passions with him. Tonight seemed to be off to a good start.

Dean pulled into the parking lot of a large building, just outside the city center.

Though Cas had decided on the venue, it was Dean that took the lead now. He seemed in his element, confidently striding toward the entrance, Castiel by his side. He even held the door open for the ex-angel.

It was still early, only a handful of people were spread throughout the place. It made for quick work of finding a table near the stage.

Castiel insisted on paying for their drinks, as he had in a way been the one to ask Dean out, well despite the nudge Dean had given him, but that was a technicality to be ignored. Dean only put up a token protest before accepting.

On a roll, Castiel further informed Dean that he would be the self-proclaimed designated driver. Dean was here to have a good time, and anyway, he, he still wasn’t too keen on the prospect of a hangover. He must have been convincing in his reasoning because this time Dean didn’t even put up his token protest, just smiled and thanked Cas.

Castiel procured their drinks and sat down opposite Dean. He observed the man taking a big sip from the bottle. He pretty quickly decided that he needed to look somewhere else. Only Dean could make something so innocent look so enticing.

Instead his eyes roamed the room, taking in the people. This bar seemed to be slightly more upmarket than the dives Dean used frequent. It was straddling the line of pretentious, but just enough on the right side so they didn’t feel out of place in their jeans and plaid shirts. In fact, after observing the slowly growing crowd, Castiel was certain he had at least found one same sex couple. Two women playing pool displayed all the behavior Castiel had come to understand as flirting. He pointed his finding out to Dean.

Dean’s eyes glanced over towards the pool table. For a second it appeared like Dean had a comment ready on his lips, but then he seemed to reconsider, instead smiling at the couple, watching them play.

Castiel was watching him watching them, trying not to look too obvious in the way his gaze was glued to the man. But seeing Dean happy, at ease, was doing things to him, his stomach squirming happily in what he had come to realize was what humans so aptly described as ‘butterflies’.

“You fancy a game?” Dean’s request startled him out of his thoughts. As if seeing Castiel’s temporary confusion, the man nodded towards the pool tables

“I have never played.” Castiel admitted. “But I have observed you and other people plenty of times, so okay, let’s give it a go.”

This would be another one of Dean’s passions Castiel could share. It had Castiel almost sprint to the table. Though, it occurred to him he didn’t really have any passions of his own that he could share with the man in return. Maybe now that he was human, he would have to go and explore that. Find a hobby. After all there was more to life than hunting these days.

Dean set up the game and let Castiel break. That first shot was abysmal, and thankfully he knew Dean’s goading was meant in affection, or he might have struck him down right there. Apparently as a human, Castiel was very competitive. Thankfully, it only took Castiel a short while to work out the angles and power needed behind shots.

After the first game, which Castiel chose to forget real quick, Dean let him practice shots for a while, giving hints and tips when necessary. By the third game Castiel was pleased to at least be able to give Dean somewhat of a challenge.

Their antics garnered the attention of the two women they noticed earlier, who eventually started up a conversation, giving Castiel tips and enjoying the spectacle the two men made.

Castiel kept them all topped up with drinks and Dean loosened up the longer the evening carried on. His stance turned relaxed and he was becoming more liberal with his attention, giving Cas small pats and lingering touches.

By mutual agreement, the two couples decided to play for a round of drinks, and despite Castiel’s best efforts he lost them the game. Though Dean didn’t seem to mind, affectionately ruffling his hair, saying that he would make a proper player out of him yet to the raucous laughter of Amber and Danni.

Cas acquired the hard-won drinks for their new friends, and all four of them found some standing room near the stage where the band was about to start for the night. They had been too engrossed in their game to keep an eye on their table. And anyway, as Dean informed Castiel, live music was best enjoyed standing.

Castiel was astounded by the surprising ease with which they had made acquaintance with these two women. In the past making friends had not seemed this effortless. A small part of him was tempted to overanalyze and quite possibly to feel suspicious or jealous that they might be interested in Dean romantically. Especially the way they joked and ribbed the man, but then he became jealous for a completely different reason.

As the band started, Amber without a second thought threw an arm around Danni and pulled her back against her chest, both watching and swaying to the music while literally wrapped up in each other. Castiel realized the absurdity of his misplaced distrust, as those two clearly were totally in love. He didn’t even bemoan them their closeness, but he was suddenly acutely, painfully aware that this was something he would want, and want with the man stood right next to him. The man who was currently tapping his feet and nodding his head to the beat, as he watched the band. He was a sight to behold and Castiel felt his chest tighten painfully.

Could he be okay with never having that kind of outward affection on him? Well, he had not really much experience in that field, and for Dean he would make all sorts of compromises, but he couldn’t stop his heart from longing, from wanting to pull Dean against him, to hold him.

Castiel was likely watching Dean more than the band. The crowd was starting to really into the music. So was Dean. He belted along to some of his favorite songs.

He was pleased to be included in Dean’s experience with small glances and shoulder bumps and as the night wore on, even an invitation to join him and their new friends in a group dance.

Castiel felt elated. He enjoyed Dean enjoying himself but also, he definitely grew to like the experience as a whole. Despite being the sober one. There was something weirdly energetic about the crowd, loud and moving, the music, the beats and Castiel began to understand what humans meant when they said they got lost in the music.

At one point Dean motioned to him with his empty beer bottle, tilting his head in a silent question. Castiel handed him his equally empty bottle of coke, and Dean smiled at him, adding a wink for good measure before making his way towards the bar for more drinks. Along the way he signaled to their new friends if they wanted anything. They shook their heads but smiled in thanks.

Castiel watched Dean saunter towards the bar, just then remembering that he should be the one getting drinks. Ah well, he would give Dean that one. He allowed himself a moment to appreciate Dean’s form, the bowed legs and long confident gait. The women next to him gave him a knowing look, and for a moment Castiel didn’t care that he hadn’t been subtle, their new friends would not judge him he was certain

Then his smile froze on his face. There was a woman leaning leisurely against the bar, her eyes clearly on Dean despite her herself garnering more than enough interest from various males around her.

Dean had to nudge past her to get the bartender’s attention, and she used that moment to approach him. All smiles and flipping of hair and hands on Dean’s arm. Castiel’s face fell. He felt kind of sick all of a sudden. His stomach was squirming in disappointment at the way Dean gave her one of his charming, unguarded smiles.

Not for the first time tonight Castiel wished that he could have that kind of attention. Craved for his friend to be able to lavish him with the same look. And he couldn’t even be angry at Dean, not really. He had never promised him those things. Yet, if this was kind of a date, wasn’t there some rule about not trying to pick up someone else? Unless Dean really never saw this more as them hanging out.

Castiel let his eyes flicker over again. Dean was still talking to the woman as he waited for his turn. Castiel had no idea what to do, this was not a situation he had been in before. Should he go over there? Come across as some jealous kind of boyfriend- ha. Not that they were.

In fact, his instinct was to leave, but just running away had never worked so well in the past. Then Dean had his turn ordering their drinks, and as soon as the drinks were in his hands, he made a quick escape, giving the woman a quick nod before hurrying back to Castiel.

“Hey, handsome.” Dean said with a small wink and a nudge against Castiel’s hip, handing Castiel his drink, and that small smile and those words had Castiel melt. Just like that, all of his worries were put to rest. Dean had not intended to pick someone up. More likely it was just part of who he was. Dean was a natural flirt and Castiel wouldn’t want to change him. And the way Dean currently gazed at him, quite possibly loosened up by the alcohol was worth everything. They would get there in their own time.

Castiel had the advantage of already knowing how Dean felt, and if it would take them ten years for Dean to be able to outright face it, Castiel would be here with him every step of the way.

The night was a total success. A slightly inebriated Dean was chattering and singing the whole drive home. Castiel couldn’t help feeling like he was being serenaded.

The walk to their rooms also felt decidedly less awkward than the first time. Dean confidently steered them towards Castiel’s room, like he was walking him home. When they came to a stop, there was just that slight awkward silence, before Dean put a hand on Cas’s shoulder.

I had- that was a real great night. Thanks Cas.” And before Castiel could reply, Dean was leaning in placing a feather light kiss directly on his lips. To Castiel it might as well have been full on making out, because just that one gesture had him dizzy.

Dean leaned back, gawking at him, almost like he couldn’t believe he just did that.

“Erm- good night Cas.” The man smiled, lingering for a moment, like he was unsure how to proceed. Finally, he removed his hands from his shoulder and walked towards his room.

Castiel realized too late that he actually forgot to wish the man a good night.

Regardless, Castiel went to bed smiling that night.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, so sorry for taking so long to update. Basically, this chapter has been nearly finished for months, just, as for most of us, it has been a weird time, and the muse was not really with me at all to get that final push done. 
> 
> This chapter will have some family time, and some realizations on Dean's part and finally stuff to justify the M rating. Hope you enjoy it.
> 
> And I will do my best to not leave it this long again to post the epilogue.

As it tended to do, life carried on, though some new routines were established along the way. One of those being Dean and Cas’s regular outings or, as Dean could tentatively admit to himself these days, dates. At times it was just sharing a couple of drinks, other times it took them further away. Of course, this was on top of any time they already spent together on any given day. Dean mused on occasion that all this time spent glued at the hips really should give them cabin fever, but it was quite the opposite actually. Most of the time it felt like a comfortable companionship.

Inevitably the other inhabitants of the bunker picked up on their new closeness and the increasing amount of time spent in each other’s pockets and, predictably, questions started. Other than general deflections to any such queries, Dean and Cas had to come up with more and more elaborate excuses as to why they rather not take someone else along when they left for one of their ‘trips’. They might be on their way into romantic territory, but it was at best in its infancy and not something to shout from the rooftops just yet.

After having his request to accompany them turned down for the third time in a row, Jack spent a whole day sulking. 

It was a timely reminder that they were in danger of neglecting their surrogate son, and Sam, and by proxy Eileen. So, after giving the situation some thought Dean decided it would be a good idea for all of them to spend a weekend away at a nearby nature reserve. No hunting or survival business, just them and some walks and some nice home cooking in the evenings.

Settling on the location had been an easy choice as this trip was mainly for Jack, who had developed a rather keen interest in nature and its creatures and the current plight of the planet. And for once that had one hundred percent to do with human selfishness not godly interference. Jack did whatever small things he could, sometimes using small bouts of his grace when he knew he could get away with it. 

Hence, nature it was, and Dean was certain he made the right choice as Jack could best be described as an excited puppy when he told him about the upcoming trip.

Sam also was immediately on board and had been eager to invite Eileen along and how could Dean deny him that. In fact, it had him wondering just how serious these two had gotten over these last few months and whether there would be wedding bells in their near future.

Not three days later, they all set off in two cars in a flurry of organized chaos. Dean, Cas and Jack in the Impala, followed by Sam and Eileen in her old banger. They took their time as they drove south towards Ozark National Forrest where Dean had rented them a cabin for the weekend.

It was a truly beautiful place. Dean knew he had made the right choice when everyone unanimously agreed with his assessment, as they went for their first walk after they unpacked and got settled.

And as much as part of Dean wanted to just abscond with Cas for the day and share this beauty with just him, this trip was not about them and their relationship; it was for all of them. He loved having all of his little ragtag family together, sitting at a rustic old picnic table in the middle of nowhere, hungry, and thirsty after their 4-hour hike. There was chatter and laughter while they waited for Dean to provide them with food from the hamper he had packed especially for this occasion that morning. 

The day’s hike was followed by an evening sitting around an open fire outside the cabin and sharing more drinks. That evening will easily rank in Dean’s all-time top five memories. And though they tried to be subtle, Dean was sure the knowing smiles the other three gave each other whenever he and Cas ended up staring and smiling at each other for too long, meant that they knew, or at the very least suspected something. But Dean was not freaking out about the idea as much as he thought he would. Maybe all those baby steps finally started to add up to one giant leap.

All in all, it was a great weekend of more walks, fishing and most importantly food! Plus, Saturday evening spent at a local bar, all of them taking turns playing pool and laughing way too much. It definitely had the desired effect of bringing them all closer together again. They bonded over totally human things and experiences, no hunt or deity in sight, and Dean counted it as one massive win.

#

Castiel, to his surprise was adapting rather well to being human, even enjoying certain aspects of it. Now that his state was permanent he allowed himself to get immersed completely in the experience. To learn his body’s quirks, how to navigate emotions and humans and the world around him in general.

He and Dean were growing closer in new ways and the man seemed more settled overall, Castiel was thrilled to notice. Castiel experienced a carefree side of the hunter he had barely witnessed before. It was like Dean finally allowed himself to just be. Not all the time, a lifetime of experiences and trauma was not just cast aside, but more and more.

Dean also managed to introduce Castiel to his first hobby. It started with Castiel just taking pictures of them on his phone. A very human habit of taking mementos of their lives. Castiel could see the appeal of such an activity now, with his human brain tending to forget and distort memories. One day Dean offhandedly suggested he go and get himself a secondhand camera, maybe dabble a bit to see if he would enjoy it.

So Castiel had; and realized he did very much enjoy capturing the world around him. He moved on from selfies to landscapes and even had Dean promise to act as his model for portrait studies. He had found a few online resources for budding photographers and was methodically going through them all.

They all seem to have found some level of contentment. Castiel surmised that even if this was all that he would have in life, his choice would have been worth it. He, Castiel, would be happy.

# 

“So-,“ Dean exclaimed exuberantly as he burst into Castiel’s room. 

The other man didn’t as much as raise an eyebrow at the sudden intrusion. They had reached a place where they just occupied each other spaces, and knocking had somewhat become superfluous. Castiel’s eyes followed the force of nature that was Dean Winchester as he beelined straight for the bed and slumped down on it, making himself comfortable and giving Castiel an enigmatic smirk. 

Castiel smiled in return. He had gotten used to, and taken great pleasure in, Dean’s increased relaxed attitude, occasionally even bordering on flirty. Their actual relationship status was still complicated, as Cas had come to understand other people in similar situations would refer to it. But at least the journey towards a possible destination had become more enjoyable.

Cas put aside his laptop, where he had played around with some image editing software and gave his friend a quizzical look. Dean seemed to take pleasure in drawing out the moment. 

“I know I said I wouldn’t want our extra time together to be spend hunting, but-”

“Yes?” Castiel was quick to chime in, excitement laced through that one word. As much as it pained him to admit, he did miss the occasional hunt. He had only been on one since becoming human, and it had been a group effort. The whole bunker crew had joined two other hunters when those realized that the two vamps they had been hunting were part of a nest. Despite its dangers, hunting kept his instincts sharp and helped him hone his skills as well as keeping other people safe. And the idea of Dean and him joining forces was thrilling. There was something about them trusting each other, knowing that they would do everything to keep the other safe.

Dean clearly picked up on Castiel’s thinly veiled enthusiasm. He leaned forward from where he was perched on the bed, meeting the other man’s gaze.

“Basically, I found this case in Topeka, sounds like just a basic salt and burn- and everyone else is busy. Should be straightforward for even us old folks to handle.” Dean chuckled and Castiel shook in head affectionately. “And then- then maybe we could spend the rest of the weekend-“ 

Dean looked at Castiel expectantly as he let the rest of the sentence hang in the air between them. This would be the first time they would be spending more than a day or evening away from the bunker since they decided to test the waters. Just the two of them; no nosy surrogate sons or brothers in sight. Dean’s nervousness about the implied night that would also include was palatable even in the unsaid words.

“Dean, I would love to go on a hunt with you. I know our life will likely always involve some hunting related activities and I have made my peace with that. As for the rest of the weekend, you don’t even need to ask. I will always want to spend time with you.”

Dean smiled, relieved, as though he actually thought Castiel might have said no.

“Great, okay- so get packing. We’re leaving in an hour.” With that he bounced up from the bed and strutted out of the room.

#

Of course, things in life are hardly ever as straight forward as they seem. 

The hunt turned out not to be quite as routine as Dean had anticipated, on the account of there not being one ghost but two; and the minor detail of them being of the vengeful variety, and vengeful they were. 

They tried their very best to bang Dean and Castiel into as many hard surfaces and walls as possible, then throwing knives and kitchenware at them, successfully embedding one in Dean’s right arm. 

Thankfully Castiel was spared the choking by ghost experience as Dean found the box that contained both their lockets in the nick of time. He managed to burn the whole thing just as they advanced on Castiel, intent to kill in their eyes.

The way back to the motel was uncomfortable on account of both of them hurting way more than they should, even when bearing in mind the amount of walls they had been acquainted with. Getting old sucked. On top of that Dean’s arm was bleeding but he refused to let Castiel drive, and evidently Castiel knew better than to argue with a Dean high on adrenaline.

By the time they reached their motel, Dean had calmed down. He offered Castiel the first shower while he saw to his cut on his arm as well as various other scratches and bruises. He cleaned the wounds but left the bandaging for after his shower, instead he readied a double dose of painkillers, both for himself and Cas. Luckily, the other man seemed to have escaped any open wounds, but Dean had noticed the beginning of a massive bruise on Cas’s cheek and was certain there were plenty more hidden underneath his clothing. 

A few minutes later they swapped places, Dean handing him the medical supplies before disappearing into the bathroom. 

By the time Dean ambled back into the room, Castiel was tucked up under some rather old-fashioned cream-colored comforter and seemed to be fast asleep. At least it looked like he had taken the painkillers. Dean allowed himself a moment to just gaze at the man. 

The by now all too familiar feeling of waring emotions was raising its ugly head again, threatening to tear him apart from the inside. In a way, this hurt more than any wound ever could. 

This man was everything. Castiel had given up so much, and quite possibly took the biggest leap of them all just by being honest. Yet here Dean was, still not able to take that final step and just follow where his heart wanted to lead. He felt like a coward and loathed himself for it. After another long gaze at the man’s sleeping form Dean sighed and turned to his own bed, deciding that this was a battle he would fight another day.

The bed was definitely on the ‘slept in one too many times’ side, and his back protested at the lack of firmness. Dean squirmed and wriggled, trying to get comfortable, favoring his right side as his left was just a long line of bruises. Thankfully, even with the odds against him, eventually sleep found him.

#

By the time Dean gained consciousness he couldn’t have been asleep for more than a few hours. The room was still shrouded in darkness. Despite his best efforts to go straight back to sleep, his mind seemed intent on waking up. It took him a moment to become aware of his body, but once he did, he realized with a sudden horrifying clarity that apart from the expected aches and pains, he had woken up from one of those dreams and was in fact, very, very aroused.

Dean felt a need thrumming through his body. It was not uncommon for a hunt to leave him riled up. But he would be naïve to assume that his current state did not at least in part have to do with the man asleep just a few short feet away. He had yet to make peace with the truth that he found Castiel sexually attractive, and as a result had been unable to get himself to act on it. Ghosts from the past were hard to put to rest. Ha! There was a metaphor for Dean to mull over. 

Still, he wanted so much, but couldn’t get himself to- apart from the kissing- the kissing Dean had come to expect and actually really enjoy. He had no clue how he rationalized that kissing Cas was okay, but anything more wasn’t. Then again, he never claimed his mind was making much sense. 

Dean tossed and turned in a desperate attempt to will his arousal to go away. But he must still have had too much adrenaline in his body. He felt twitchy and needy. If anything, the slow deep steadying breathing from the bed next to his made him even more hyper aware of his current state, and made him imagine what that breath might feel like against his bare skin. 

He felt a familiar tight feeling in his chest, even as he still wanted more of something. It made breathing difficult, like a weight was crushing his chest. Yet, in a twisted way that only added to his current arousal. He was hyperaware of his own body. In his desperation Dean contemplated hiding in the bathroom to quickly and quietly take care of his situation. But one more look over at Castiel had his breath catch and made him realize how stupid and cowardly he was actually being. The object of his desire was a mere three feet away and had made it more than clear that he was interested in this kind of relationship with Dean. 

And damnit, Dean had needs, wanted intimacy; it had been way too long. He was well aware that the problem in this instance firmly rested at his feet and his issues with regards to accepting the fact he was not 100 percent straight. In fact, if he was being finally honest with himself, he never had been.

He thoroughly enjoyed Castiel’s company to the point that he had not even glanced at another person in interest, let alone given the idea of going out and finding someone else for his sexual needs a single thought. Despite their still undefined state of involvement, didn’t that mean they already were in some kind of relationship? That Dean had committed himself to Castiel on some level?

With a glance over at Castiel’s sleeping form a sudden bout of clarity hit Dean. Yes, they were for all intent and purpose in a relationship, even one that had clear romantic elements to it. And he was the one who kept what they had in some kind of stasis. Castiel was true to his word and gave him all the time he needed. Just that Dean increasingly had a feeling that unless someone gave him a proverbial kick up the ass, a push into the unknown, he might never get there. 

He might just have to do his own ass-kicking. 

What if he would just get over himself and ask for what he so clearly desired, especially in this moment. Would that really be so bad? What was the worst that could happen? Not like the world would end or anyone would burst through the doors and find out about it. But even if so, if he wanted to be with Cas, then he had to get over his hang-ups. He really wanted to try at least.

He looked over at Castiel again, studying the outline of his face in the dark and let his mind wander. The idea of the man touching him had Dean’s heart rate ratchet. He kept his gaze on his sleeping friend, allowing himself to imagine just for a minute. Castiel’s hand on him would feel so much better than his own. Castiel was literally just there; all he would have to do was ask.

The sheer need to feel finally seemed to override his hesitance. Mind made up, Dean took a deep steadying breath before getting out of his bed and crossing the short distance. He lifted Castiel’s blanket and got into bed beside him, sidling up to the other man, hand encircling his waist and placing a small kiss at the back of Castiel’s neck.

The man in question stirred, pressing himself further back against Dean’s body but not quite waking. Dean pressed himself closer and gently stroked Castiel’s arm, nuzzling into his neck. The body heat from the other man was intoxicating, yet Dean felt like jumping out of his skin, his heart was beating so fast. Finally, Castiel lifted his head.

“Dean?” A sleepy deep rumble, Dean felt against his chest.

“Mhhh. This ok?” Dean mumbled against Castiel’s skin where he still nuzzled his neck. Castiel didn’t reply with words but instead turned over, studying Dean in a mix of wonder and nerves. He suddenly seemed wide awake.

“Yes, but- you-“

Dean pressed his lips against Castiel’s. If they started talking he might lose his nerve, and now that he was here in bed beside the other man, he felt the want for more pulsate through his veins like a visceral need.

“Cas” he breathed into the other man’s mouth before pressing in and pushing Castiel back against the bed.

Dean’s hands started exploring the former angel’s neck, shoulders, chest before finally snaking a hand underneath Castiel’s shirt, featherlight touches ghosting against bare skin that had Castiel press into the touch as he pulled Dean further on top of him.

Castiel had no qualms to reciprocate as his own hands started to explore the expanse of Dean’s back, clawing at his shirt until eventually he felt glorious heated skin under his palms.

They shifted again and the next move brought their groins together both men moaning and bucking at feeling their respective erections.

“Cas, I-“ Dean groaned as he bucked against the other man. Not quite sure what he was asking for.

“Anything,” Cas whispered as his lips brushed Dean’s stubbled cheek and his hands found their way dangerously close to Dean’s waistband.

“I-“ Dean stilled, grabbing Cas’s hand before it could dive into his pants and putting it on his crotch, above his pajama bottoms.

“I want- so badly, but I can’t, not naked, not yet.”

Castiel understood and repositioned them so that he could cover Dean’s hardon with his hand, rubbing him through his clothes.

“Dean-“ he groaned as he experimented with different kinds of pressure and grips, shamelessly rutting against the other man’s thigh.

Dean closed his eyes, breath already fast and heavy. Castiel’s hand on his member felt so good, even through the two layers of cloths, and he wouldn’t last long. 

Blindly he reached for the spot where he felt Castiel’s erection press against his leg, before he could question himself, he worked his hand between them, pressing his open palm against the hard length, and letting out an undignified moan. 

Castiel stilled for a second, overwhelmed by sensation, before he redoubled his efforts, rubbing and squeezing, finding Dean’s mouth and kissing him hard.

Soon they were a panting quivering mess and it didn’t take Dean long to feel the pressure build, having already been worked up from his dream. Within a few minutes of Castiel touching him he spasmed and then stilled as a long deep groan escaped him. Castiel worked him through it as best as he could. Dean felt the dampness spread in his boxers.

After what felt like eons of bliss, Dean regained his wherewithal and realized his hand was still on Cas’s dick. Castiel looked at him through hooded eyes in wonder and without thinking Dean reached into the other man’s bottoms and placed his hands on his hot member. Castiel’s head fell back with a groan and it only took a handful of strokes before Dean could feel him spill all over his hand.

Instead of overthinking he leaned in and kissed Castiel. He cleaned his hand off as well as he could on the other man’s shirt, while kissing him, rolling them over so that Castiel was on top of him now. If he just kept feeling he wouldn’t need to think. Wouldn’t risk the freak-out that was always hovering on the periphery of his consciousness. 

Castiel clung to him like his life depended on it and despite starting to feel gross and icky with come drying in his pants, Dean didn’t want to get up. It would break the spell that they were under and he’d rather deal with that in the morning. Dean eventually fell back asleep, cradled in the other man’s arms.

#

Dean woke up to the feeling of lips nuzzling against his neck. Instead of feeling panicked, Dean felt surprisingly light. Castiel’s happiness was palatable and infectious and Dean just couldn’t muster up the energy to freak out. Not when blue eyes looked at him like he was something special.

They showered, separately. Dean might have taken a big step last night, but mutual nakedness was a challenge for another day. Still he couldn’t help the smile as he glanced over at Castiel over coffee. The man giving him an almost coy smirk in return.

When they arrived back at the bunker everyone was in and Dean had a decision to make. He knew Castiel wouldn’t begrudge him if he still needed to take this slow, needed to hide this new development from the others, but the man deserved better. He deserved the world, and also, Dean deserved a shot at happiness, too.

So, mind made up, he grabbed Castiel’s hand, maybe a bit tighter than needed, and all but dragged the man into the kitchen where Sam, Eileen and Jack were currently eating lunch.

“Hey Dean, Cas. How was the-“ 

Sam stopped mid-sentence and stared at their entwined hands, mouth opening and closing. 

“Oh-“ He mumbled, giving Eileen a knowing look, who in turn did little to hide her smirk. Jack seemed oblivious to what had everyone so stumped, he looked bemused between the people who were all staring at each other.

“Some left for hungry travelers?” Dean asked, “after all Cas doesn’t just eat for fun now.”

“What?” Sam’s eyes snapped up to Castiel’s.

Oops. Castiel glanced back sheepishly. He had never gotten round to explicitly specify his new status to Sam. There had been just too much else going on.

“Erm, yeah- about that.” Castiel said tightening his grip on Dean’s hand, who squeezed back in support.

#

It was two weeks and four date nights later when Dean asked Castiel to officially move into his room.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So happy to get this out despite life in general being pretty much a tire fire atm, and also before the last episodes start airing . No doubt canon will catch up to this story soon, still I hope you enjoyed my little take on it and also that you like the ending.
> 
> Stay safe everyone, and wear a mask!

Epilogue

10th June 2030

Castiel’s eyes flew open in a panic. His heart was hammering in his chest and he was coated in a thin layer of sweat. His whole body felt like a live wire.

It only took another second though for his brain to override the instinct to jump out of bed and chase down whatever threat must surely be lurking somewhere in the shadows. Castiel knew with a sudden clarity that there was nothing there. Well, nothing tangible at least. Still, it took all this mental strength to stay where he was, taking a few deep breaths instead and not give in to the fear. The threat was only in his head or well- at worst an inevitability of reality; only time would tell.

This was the third time Castiel had woken up. At this point he might as well admit defeat. He was unsettled, off kilter and no amount of reasoning and deep breathing would change that today. The day he had been dreading for the last 9 years had finally caught up to him.

Most of his future self’s memories had faded over time, replaced with new ones; hopes and fears as he had lived his life day to day. But this day, the knowledge of this date and how between one second and the next his world had stopped turning at the news of Dean’s death, was burned into the very core of his soul. He could never forget.

Castiel checked the time on his cell. It was just after 5 am. Dean was fast asleep beside him. Castiel turned, glad that his initial flailing had not woken his partner. He gently placed a hand on Dean’s hip. It served as a reminder that the man next to him was here and safe most importantly, _alive_. Conscious as to not wake Dean, Castiel carefully snuggled closer against his side, tightening his arms around the waist, as if that gesture alone would be enough to protect Dean from any possible harm that the universe might fling at him.

Over the years, as they shaped their future together, grew and changed and evolved into who they were now, Castiel had spent countless nights questioning whether the timeline had changed enough. Thoughts on seemingly endless loops of trying to work out whether today would end up being just like any other day, where they might laugh over some nonsensical comment of Jack’s or have to put out a proverbial fire for some hunter somewhere. Maybe they would argue only to make up over dinner and a shared beer. But even those happier musings were always underlined by the sheer terror of the possibility that Dean’s death this day might be a constant point in time, one that would happen no matter what.

And over these last few weeks Castiel had been driving himself to near insanity over this. No matter how much he told himself he should just live in the day, enjoy every moment he and Dean would share.

Now here he was, staring down into the abyss, wondering how the last 9 years could have passed so fast. There was no way out, he had to accept that one way or the other in less than 24 hours he would know.

That thought had him tighten his grip on Dean and press himself even closer. For now, he would take comfort in feeling the shallow rise and fall of Dean’s chest, accompanied by gentle snores.

Eventually, Castiel felt Dean start to stir against him. Dean used to call it creepy, but Castiel couldn’t help but stare and watch as sleep was slowly replaced with consciousness. The way Dean’s face would scrunch up, eyes open blearily for a second, only to close again, as a small grunt escaped him. A minute later his eyes opened again, meeting Castiel’s. Dean chuckled, followed by clearing his throat. He did not have to say it, Castiel knew exactly what the other man was thinking in that moment.

Finally, Dean seemed awake enough to move. He leaned over and placed a peck against Castiel’s cheek. It was a non-verbal good morning, as had become their custom over the years.

Castiel could not hold it in any longer. He pulled the other man flush against him, trying his best to hold back the sob that was lodged in his throat. The way he held onto Dean; you could almost call it clinging.

“Someone’s feeling needy today.” Dean murmured against his shoulder, where his head had come to rest. His voice was still heavy from sleep but from the tone in his voice, Castiel could tell he didn’t mind.

“Mhh,” Castiel hummed, placing one hand under Dean’s chin to lift up his head, pulling him into a deep, long kiss.

Castiel poured all his fear and desire to protect and the uncertainty and just sheer love into the kiss. It took Dean a moment to wake fully and return the kiss in kind. Then without hesitation he pressed back against Castiel, rolling them over in the process and straddling the other man around the waist.

They continued to make out for way longer than was custom for them these days. Not that either of them had any complaints about their sex life or the passion they still had for each other. It was just a fact of life that as they got older occasionally sex took a back-seat, and cuddling (yes Dean did that these days) on the couch while watching a movie or sharing a drink while reading in companionable silence was a newfound way of expressing intimacy and contentment.

But today- Castiel nearly devoured Dean.

“Cas, what has gotten into you?” Dean teased breathlessly, as he was manhandled not too gently onto his back, Castiel blanketing him with his body.

“Nothing, just- Dean I _need_ you.” He clawed at Dean’s sleep shirt frantically.

“Cas, hey, not that I’m complaining. On the _contrary_ , I am very on board with this.” To underline his point, he gave a brief thrust up with his hip, pressing his clothed erection into Castiel’s. “Just- something is off. TALK to me.”

Dean had gotten better over the years at opening up and talking, and he expected the same from Castiel. Castiel generally was more than okay with it, just today- he did not want to talk, he just needed to feel and not to think. But Dean kept insisting, pushing back gently against him, making him roll onto his side. Dean followed with his body, wrapping his arms around Castiel, stroking gently up and down his back and arms.

Castiel finally let out the sob he had been holding back, burying his face in Dean’s neck.

“You’re worrying me here man.” Dean’s arms tightened around him, but other than that he remained quiet, waiting for Castiel to gather his thoughts.

“Just, today- it’s-“ Castiel started but cut himself off. Even now he was torn as to whether he should divulge the importance of this date, or whether that would be tempting fate. He had tried so hard over the years to not reveal anything about the future, Still, so much had changed but so much more had remained the same. Sam did end up marrying Eileen, Jack did stay with them in the bunker, they did run a network of hunters and at large people who had died, still died and people who had lived still lived.

A stab of panic made the choice for Castiel when he couldn’t stop blurting out an “Please just- don’t go out today, especially not for a drive. Just -.” Castiel grabbed Dean almost painfully by the shoulders, eyes frantic and near crazy.

Dean just looked befuddled.

“Why?” Dean probed, head now lifted so he could study Castiel’s face properly, hold that gaze and try to work out what on earth was going on.

“It’s-“ Castiel took a deep breath. A decade of holding this all in was finally spilling out. “Do you remember, 9 years ago, when I became ill out of nowhere, and then chose to become human but couldn’t really give you the details.“ He looked at Dean imploringly.

“I- yes, timelines something something- but what has that got to do with tod-“ It seemed to click for Dean then.

“Something will happen today.” It was as much a question as a statement.

“Yes.” Castiel buried his face in the crook of Dean’s neck again, voice breaking.

Dean intensified the hold he had on the man.

“I never pried, because you said, and- but do you want to tell me now?”

“It’s-“ Castiel gulped. “Today is the day you died.” Castiel took the chance. He had decided he would do anything in his powers to stop this part of history from repeating itself.

Dean froze.

“What?” He mumbled after a moment. “You sure?”

“Yes, Billie told me.”

“So, I will die today?” There was an almost resignation and acceptance in Dean’s words that had a cold shudder run down Castiel’s spine.

“No!” He exclaimed. “I mean I can’t be one hundred percent sure, but- although I tried not to change the timeline too much, the fact that we’re here, together- it was not like that then. And I just hope that it is enough to-“ Castiel let the rest of the sentence hang heavy in the air between them.

Dean leaned his head against Castiel’s chest, taking a deep steadying breath.

“How did it happen?” He asked after a moment, sounding detached. He took the news of his possible demise in his stride by the sound of it.

“From what Billie told me, it was a car crash. You were dead on impact.”

“So- you did travel back in time?” Curiosity seemed to get the better of Dean now, as he looked up into Castiel’s eyes.

“In a way, it’s complicated.” At that Dean could not help but snort. Castiel even managed a small smile in return. Guess Dean had heard that enough for two lifetimes. “Basically, Billie had a way of combining my future and past self into one. So, I am the Castiel you always knew, just I am also in part my future self.”

Dean stared at him in disbelief. Studying him almost like if he focused hard enough, he could distinguish the two beings that had merged into one.

“Wow.” He said eventually, almost in awe. “And you did this because of me?”

“Yes. Of something you told Billie to tell me. I was given a second chance so to say, and I took it. Maybe I was being selfish but-“

Dean stopped him with a kiss.

“That why you don’t want me to go out today?”

“Yes. Dean I don’t know if it will be enough or if you could go out today and nothing would happen, but please, stay- stay with me today? Please.”

Dean’s gaze turned soft at Castiel’s desperate plea, and he leaned in for another kiss, this one much gentler than the ones before.

“So you gonna keep me in bed all day?” Dean chuckled against Castiel’s lips.

Castiel was surprised how well Dean took the news. He surmised that in a way it was because this was going to happen to another Dean. Had happened to another Dean. All they could do was focus on the here and now.

“That would be preferable.” Castiel had gone back to clinging to Dean.

“Okay, Cas- yeah- I stay here, with you. I could think of worse ways to spend a day.” Dean leaned in placing a kiss on Castiel’s lips. It was meant in reassurance, but the minute their lips met, Castiel came alive. He once again manhandled Dean onto his back, Dean letting him, surrendering to Castiel’s will.

Castiel was like a man possessed, pawing at Dean’s clothes, grunting in frustration when they didn’t come off fast enough. Once Dean was naked, Castiel near ripped off his own pajamas.

Then they were kissing again, Castiel’s tongue hot and insistent against Dean’s, who had trouble keeping up with the ferocity.

“Dean-“ Castiel panted. “Need you. Need to feel-“

“I know.” Dean panted. Right hand reaching out and into the nightstand, where he fumbled to grab the lube.

Castiel nipped and bit and sucked all the way along Dean’s neck and shoulders, leaving marks in his way.

“You gonna make me look like a 15-year old after their first make-out session.” Dean pouted but didn’t do anything to stop the assault. If anything, he encouraged Castiel by canting his head and giving him more access to his neck. Dean’s hands were gripping Castiel’s shoulders so tight that he was certain he was leaving marks of his own.

“Mhh,” was all the reply he got as Castiel was undeterred. He nudged a leg between Dean’s, urging him to spread them so he could fit between. Dean eagerly obeyed, letting them fall open at the knees, body writhing against Castiel in anticipation and need.

The heat between them seemed to build exponentially as Castiel started to open him up with quick and efficient thrusts and twists of his fingers. It had been a while since they had done this but regardless, Castiel could feel Dean’s own need building, as he pushed back against Castiel fingers urgently.

“Come on, come on.” Dean panted and Castiel was more than willing to comply.

A moment later Castiel settled more firmly between Dean’s legs, giving his erection a few quick strokes before lining up. He grabbed Dean’s right leg, lifting it up and Dean seized up.

“Cas, fuck- HIP- remember!” Dean grunted, pain evident in his voice. Arthritis had finally found Dean Winchester. His right hip was fucked up and probably needed replacing like two years ago. Not that it bothered Dean too much in everyday life, but Castiel must have lifted it at an angle that it definitely disagreed with.

“Sorry, sorry.” Castiel panted as the dropped the leg, patting soothingly at the offending joint.

Dean laughed, his head falling back against the pillow. “Man, getting old sucks. Cockblocked by my own body!” He almost sounded offended and Castiel had to chuckle.

“Just- hold on.” Dean looked determined as he wriggled on the bed, shifting his weight slightly onto his right, so that Castiel could grab his left leg instead.

“Yeah, like that. That’ll work.” He pawed at Castiel, urging him on now that they had found a workable position.

Castiel didn’t need to be told twice. He had a wild, frantic, possessive glint in his eyes, as he lined up again, and with one hand on his dick to guide him, pushed into Dean in one long motion.

Dean threw his head back, clearly relishing the feeling. Castiel knew that Dean loved this, feeling full. They didn’t do this often enough these days, generally preferring lazy morning hand jobs. But man, when they did get around to this, it was amazing, Castiel groaned as he pulled out only to push back in hard.

There was a frantic push and pull between them, aggressive in a way it hadn’t been in years. Dean was pawing at every bit of skin he could as Castiel worked him over.

It seemed to go on forever and at the same time was over too fast. Castiel felt Dean seize up and squeeze around him a second before he came between them. With a few more thrusts he followed Dean over the edge, riding out the waves of pleasure before dropping Dean’s leg and collapsing on top of him.

“Wow,” Dean hummed once he had his breath back.

“Yeah,” Castiel agreed, rubbing circles onto Dean’s stomach, making the mess even bigger.

They dozed off after that. Castiel’s mind finally quiet or just too tired out to make any noise.

When they awoke it was just after 1. Dean complained about being dirty and hungry but Castiel pinned him to the bed with just a look.

“What, not even a shower?” Dean pouted.

“No!” Was all the reply he got.

“I will take care of that, and get us some food, you DO. NOT. MOVE.”

Dean acquiesced then. Castiel was in no doubt that he was just humoring him, but he would take what he could get if it meant keeping Dean save.

##

By the time evening rolled around Dean was feeling antsy, just being stuck in his room, doing fuck all was torture. Castiel had been suspiciously absent from the room for at least the last half an hour making Dean’s boredom spike. He got that the guy was freaking out and to be fair, he did not want to die today if he could help it. But at the same time, just lying here doing nothing- that was not the Dean Winchester way. At least Castiel let him use the toilet earlier or he might have actually started to feel like a prisoner.

And just as he was about to say ‘Fuck it’ and get up and in search of Castiel, the man in question came back into their room, pining him with a glare.

“Dean-“

“Yeah I know, no moving- but man, I am going stir crazy here.”

Castiel glanced at the time on his phone. “Just another hour, that is all I ask.”

“So-“

“Yes, if I remember correctly your crash was around 9.20. So while I know ultimately one cannot cheat death if it is an absolute-“

“You think if we make it past that time I will be safe.”

“That is all I can hope for.”

Dean hummed and then relaxed back onto the bed, holding his hand out for Castiel to take. The man in question followed easily, taking the offered hand and lying down next to Dean.

“So a whole hour-“

“Mhhh?” Castiel’s voice raised in an unspoken question.

“You might have to distract me- again.” Dean teased, giving Castiel a look accompanied by an eyebrow wiggle that made him look a lot younger than his 51 years.

“Happily.” Castiel replied already rolling onto his back and pulling Dean on top of him.

##

Castiel still felt like time was nipping at his heels, though realistically he had done all he could to keep Dean save today. The time had passed 9.30 and Dean was still here next to him, breathing and smiling, humming to himself as he finally, for the first time today, put on some actual clothes. Dean had been all for just flinging on a shirt and boxers and make a run for ‘freedom’. He had eyed Castiel with a bit of suspicion when he had insisted Dean put on some jeans at least.

But as they walked down the corridor to the increasing volume of voices, understanding dawned on Dean’s face.

They entered the kitchen to whooping and cheering of their friends and family, ribbing them about finally showing their faces.

Castiel’s heart warmed at the delight in Dean’s eyes as he took in the people stood and sat around the kitchen. They had no idea as to the real reason he had felt the need for this celebration. And given his own doubts about how this day might actually turn out, it had been a bit of a gamble inviting them all over. Thankfully, it seemed like Castiel could finally allow himself to relax.

Plus, the explanation he had given them for this gathering was clearly good enough in anyone’s book as their presence could attest to. And just to reassure himself about that part of the evening he had planned for later, Castiel quickly patted his pocket for the small silver ring hidden there.

With a smile Castiel looked on as Dean wrapped his brother into a bone crushing hug, followed by a gentler one for Eileen. Then he quickly worked his way through the room, giving out hugs and shoulder slaps as he went.

Donna was standing at the stove, stirring what smelled like a delicious pasta sauce, while Jack was straining the pasta to go with it. Garlic bread and salad were already placed on the large table, and Jody, Claire, Charlie and Boddy were eying it hungrily.

But what really made Castiel break out in a grin was the way Dean scooped up his niece, Mary, twirling her around, having the girl’s giggles fill the room.

Once they were all seated around the table, food shared and stories told, Castiel rose, grabbed his glass of wine, and cleared his throat. When he was certain he had everyone’s attention he lifted his glass up in the air.

“I do not know if this is how it is done properly, but I would like to propose a toast.”

People around him shared glances and smiles and without much question grabbed their drinks and stood as well.

“You gotta say what for.” Someone, Castiel thought it was Claire, shouted.

Castiel took a deep breath, looked at Dean and smiled. Dean smiled back encouragingly.

“Life.” Castiel simply stated as he stared into Dean’s eyes, everyone else temporarily forgotten.

Dean held Castiel’s gaze as he lifted his glass and clinking it against Castiel’s.

“To Life!”

THE END


End file.
